Wednesday

I woke up several times in the middle of the night. My head was spinning and my body was sweating. No, I didn't have any nightmares, 'cause what is happening in my real life is already one. I turned to him, he was sort of sleeping. My arm reached his side and was quickly pushed away. I tried again feeling him, but he didn't allow it and told me to fuck off. I pulled my arm back to my chest, staring at his back. I couldn't recognise that person. It was like as I was on the same bed with a stranger who is angry for having to share the same bed with me. It was at that precise moment, I noticed, it was quite over.

I've been reminiscing the past. Our past. Our various notes, postcards, written to each other. Those words have become vague, empty. How hard is it to write "I love you, you are my everything". What's hard is to making those words alive. Is to awake them and make them real. Not many people can do that so far. And people just jump in to the ocean of words, embracing them hoping they mean what they are supposed to mean.

What should I do from now on? Focus. To focus. On what? On my girl. On my job. Focus on my girl because she's my hope. And I'm her hope. I must not let her down. She's my life. Focus on my job because I have given up the perfect illusive idea of relying on someone. I earn my own money, spend what I can.

An old friend called. I thought she was dead long ago. She asked how things were, and I very quickly and honestly told her my situation. She laughed. Very hard. So hard it hurt my ears. Then she said "you know what? I've always been jealous of you. You always had everything, everyone. But right now I'm just really happy that you are upset with your marriage! I'm not judging who is wrong or shits like that. All I'm saying is: you failed! And is the first time ever I feel like winning!". I was shocked. I just didn't expect her to say that. But deep down I was very happy for her current life. She's finally found the right person to be with, her kid is growing healthily and happily, she's made to the top 5 fashion designer in Sweden. At the end I simply said "I'm really happy for you. You deserve everything you have now. As for me, I hope I can just be very happy and healthy with my girl, the rest doesn't matter anymore. Good to hear from you, I wish you all the best!". And we hung up. Seriously, I never thought, for one second, she was jealous of me. I never thought such a close friend was so unhappy of what I had then. People are complicated creatures. If they weren't they wouldn't be called people, I guess.

Another Day

Obviously we didn't talk. We never talk. It was like one of those silent treatments again or an ongoing cold war which happens every once in a while, but lately, has been knocking us quite often. Shit happens I guess. Sleeping next to him but with a conspicuous distance in between, is kind of usual now. I'm getting used to it. Of course, I would love to cuddle him, to lay my head on his chest, to feel his arms wrapped around me, to feel his fingers running through my hair, to smell his ears, to just be in love again and do silly things together. But things change. And I guess there are times when wanting something is no longer necessarily making something happening. I want this and I want that. But, I don't know since when, it doesn't mean shit anymore. For how long can we keep ignoring each other? I don't know. He will soon go on trip again. I guess we won't be talking, being silly together, loving each other back (if we can really make things go back to normal, or if we can really love each other as much as before again), until he comes back, maybe? I don't know. Life's so unpredictable, and that made us crossed our lips, holding hands and the happiest couple ever. But it''s down to the same reason, that shits come unpredictably, and to constantly battle with those things it just wears you down. Nothing can be assured anymore. Trust in someone fades easily. Faith in something vanishes. What's left is probably just souls wandering around, looking for the lost mirror of themselves. Some are lucky and get to find them again. Others keep wandering and wandering not knowing if it's time to give up or simply keep on trying.

Dark Monday

When I first started this blog, I was only planing to write certain short fictional stories inspired by my own or other people's experience. As time goes by, I noticed more and more often I write about myself, my life, my situations. Some more exaggerated in a way, others quite close to the real picture. And I also notice, most of them are becoming upsetting portraits of my life. Why? It seems like my life has gone worst than before. Maybe is because I value certain things too much. Or better, I over valued. Or even I expected more than was enough for me.

Today something really uncomfortable happened. I slapped his face twice and he slapped me back. My jaw line is misplaced, I even had to go to the health centre nearby to sort it out. They simply told me to wait, the pain will go away in a few days. "The pain will go away", will it? I know I shouldn't lay hands first. Once again, my behaviour showed my weakness in thinking before acting. However, never in my life I thought he would slap me back. I'm not trying to put myself as a victim. There is no victim nor abuser here. We both were violent and did something we shouldn't have. But I'm still overwhelmed by the reaction. He might say he was self defending. He might say he couldn't take it anymore. But I don't know, deep down, I think a man should never do that to a woman. He could have walked away. Or shouted at me. Or I don't know. The moment he hit me back, I could feel my heart into pieces.

Do I love him still? I don't know. I'm still very confused. Is not just because of what happened this morning. Is more like a saga running from last year till now. I have to admit I'm not a person who is easy to deal with. I have my temper. I do things impulsively and then I regret. I'm impatient and authoritative at times. I like things my way. I'm very mean to certain people as a way of revenge. And I know exactly what hurtful things to say to hurt right in the heart of someone who messed with me. To summarise: I'm not the most efficient while controlling my temper.

But does it mean I'm the one to take all the fault in? I don't think so. This is a relationship. Is about two people and a baby. It has actions and reactions. Whatever.... I don't feel like writing anymore. All I wanna do right now is to... I used to know what to do before whenever I'm in a very difficult position. But I don't know since when, I no longer know where to head when shit happens.

Maybe right now I should just go home and hold my baby girl. She's my life. The only hope I have in my life. And for her I must stay strong and do everything I can to give her happiness and security. Yes... she's  my motivation... I need to put that in my head.

Changes

I was once very dear to you. Someone you used to love and be very gentle with. Someone whose words would be heard and taken seriously by you. Someone who, probably, meant everything to you.

But as time goes by, feelings change. I'm no longer your life. I'm no longer treated the way you used to. I'm no longer your princess.

And now what is left is two people sharing the same house, not talking, not breathing each other's scents. Two people who are no longer passionate. Two people whose hearts no longer beat for each other.

I love you. I still love you a lot. I will always love you regardless. Is just we are no longer the same persons as we first melted our lips together.

Death

Looking at the flowers who were once so "young" and ready to blossom, now almost at the end of their lives, reminds me of my avó, my unique lovely grandma. I can still remember the night when we were all at the hospital, looking at the fragile thin body breathing through the oxygen aids. As the doctor went in to check again and tell us that avó is extremely weak and might not be able to stay for too long, my heart dropped. And when I saw the heart beat going down until it reached 0 it broke my heart into pieces. My eyes, already filled with tears, just cried out an endless ocean. Seeing someone you love tremendously, lying in bed and slowly departing in front of your eyes, hurts. Hurts so much, so much, so much. The pain will never vanish, because that person was once and still is my beloved avó, and it doesn't matter how many days, months, years have passed, the pain is still here. Right here tingling my heart, pulling out tears from my soul.

Bloody Friday Morning

 Don't always blame the problem on me. If you didn't trigger me unnecessarily I wouldn't be in a mood. You know my temper, you know how stressed I am (oh I'm sorry, I forgot you're the only one who can be stressed, whereas I'm not allowed to, 'cause according to you, I don't do shits, I'm not a boss, I'm just a public servant, I don't even need to take care of my baby 24x7 'cause my mom helps me out, so I must be the only one stress-free). Why do you always have to act as in this relationship I'm the only one causing anger?! You must be a saint then. A very stubborn, machist, childish and exaggerated saint. At least I admit my own fucking problems. But you? You just don't see the picture. Either you can't see or simply refuse to. Well, that's a problem now. I'm not saying you gotta apologise now and say it's all your fault. I'm saying you have to acknowledge you have downsides too. Learn to admit you can be a fucking irritating ass as well. Only because you are the baby prince at your home doesn't mean you can't be a proper grown up outside that shell. Oh and learn to appreciate more your wife 'cause you'll NEVER EVER experience the pain she went through while giving birth to the lovely baby girl you have part in. If you think buying me some expensive stuff means you don't have to pay extra care or love to me, then you're wrong. Fucking wrong. I'm the mother of our child. And no one, no bloody one, except my mom, knows how much I went through. So you better shut your gob before you call me crazy or tell me to go see a psychiatrist. If I had to go, I would definitely drag you along with me. 'Cause you ain't that innocent in these anger problems we have, together. Yes, together. TOGETHER.

You

Seduce my heart and you'll have my body. Feed me with love and I'm yours forever.