Directing My Movies

There are days when I daydream about my current stage of life being different from what's in reality. It's not like I'm not satisfied or happy with my life. It's just I enjoy dreaming. Navigating. Imagining. Supposing. Away from the real lifetime. It gives me the freedom to change things which had already happened. To do things which I might not be able to do in reality. To over indulge myself in certain things and actions I love. To just rewrite, re-cast, re-feature some of the things, people, scenarios. I just love daydreaming...

Hold My Hand When He Is Not Looking

How does it feel? What? Being with two different men at the same time and not feeling guilty at the slightest? It feels good. What more can I ask for? Nobody stands in my way to get whatever I want. I know what I need in my ordinary life. And sipping excitement, mystery, happiness, lust and love in different people at the same very moment is no guilt or something I should regret about. If you're jealous, catch me then. Tell them what I've been doing behind their backs. It only increases my level of adrenaline, keeping me higher and more excited than ever. Meanwhile, if there's absolutely nothing you can do, then go and try to find some excitement in your life. Life's short. So short you end up regretting a million things you didn't do when you could have done. But by then, you'd be too old, too late to taste that gone-sweet-fun. Yes, reality is harsh.

Georgia On My Mind

Dear Georgia,

If only we could be together like the old days. Your pretty face keeps haunting me every night. And when I try to close my eyes during the day, I hear your voice calling me the usual mean names you were so keen at. I've to say I hated it. I hated those moments when you treated me like a kid, humiliated me in front of every single person we knew around the corner. But then I never said anything back. I never had the courage to tell you off. To tell you STOP. I guess I just took it all in until the day I kissed you and got slammed on my face right away because I almost ruined your lipstick (I still don't understand how...), and left without telling you where I was going. It was amazing, how you only noticed my absence a month later. I was really desperate for your phone call at night asking me where the hell I was. I waited and waited like a miserable little retarded man until you finally decided to call. I felt butterflies when I heard your voice. I couldn't understand a word you were saying though, 'cause all I was focused on was your breathy voice. I was hoping you would ask me back and apologize for the constant mental abuse you had been doing to me for the past 2 years. But nothing. The lasts words I could finally paid attention were: "I need you to sort out my final credit card payment, then you can pick up your stuff and go to hell with your stupid terrier". And so I went to the bank straight away, sorted out what you asked me to, picked up my boy which had clearly gained weight because you over fed him by leaving the entire pack of dog food nearby the door and came back to my studio flat which was only across your flat. Yes, that's why you didn't really notice I wasn't around until you no longer had your clothes ironed properly, the toilet cleaned with fresh smell and flowers to ornament the tiny little old breakfast table. Anyway, this is the last time I'm writing you. But again, I don't think you really care. Because I caught you using the letter I wrote you last week to get rid of the gum glued beneath your heels. Nice. I'm moving to somewhere else. No, not a few steps away from where I am. It's somewhere much further. I hope by then, you would really take notice of me not being around anymore.

It's about time you clean the toilet. You do the dishes. You iron your own clothes.

Love you always (I know I shouldn't),

Your imaginary slave/boyfriend

Please Stop

I can't count how many times I've to do it in a day anymore.

If only I could control it.

If only it could stop.

2nd Day Without You

The humidity is so heavy today
even strong sun lights couldn't hide
the powerful and depressing
particles of heavy water vapor in the air.

Lots of people passed me by
some were smiling others not so
I heard kids laughing, amused in their own little world
while my world is currently so black and empty.

Flowers bright me up most of the time
when I keep battling with the loneliness inside me
but not today when you are not around
to give me the warmest hug and kiss after a long day work.

Today is not worse than yesterday
because from the very moment you left
it was already dark and sad enough
and nothing can get worse and lonelier than the moment we kissed goodbye.

Today On A Saturday

And so that was the last time I cuddled and kissed you willingly. It's not like I'm emotionally immune to you right now. I still have feelings for you. Is just things have changed I guess. It's like having ice-cream but not my favourite flavour. I need time to switch off. I need time to move on. I need time to find the right flavour again. It feels like shit when you get rejected. You think to yourself if you are really that bad that even he rejects you. I tried, but didn't work. I'm tremendously upset now, but nobody knows how upset I am exactly. Not even him. Because we are different. Because he doesn't live in the same pace as mine. Because we don't share the same feelings anymore. Maybe I'm being too pessimistic. Too dramatic. Too exaggerated. After all, we only had an argument. People argue and they make up for what's broken. But, if something is broken, how can you glue the pieces back together without showing any scars? You don't. You either turn a blind eye. Or you face it. Or you break it again testing how far the same shit can be broken once again. I'm lonely. I'm surrounded by people everyday. By you. You who were supposed to be my closest. My dearest. My love. But I don't know since when I started to float away from you. Or you decided to move faster without me. I don't know. If only there was someone who could feed my hunger for love. For security. For patience. For everything I don't have right now, not even with you.

Lost And Will Never Be Found

I have this urge to message you, to tell you how much I missed you. But I no longer have your number.