To Inspire & To Be Inspired

A silly question has been jumping up and down in my head for almost the entire morning. Do I inspire him? In which consequently links to more questions like: is he inspired by me? am I his inspirations? have I ever inspired him? if so, do I still inspire him? All these are questions whether or not I inspire him or not, evolving around me me and me. How important it is for me to know I inspire him at all times! But does he inspire me? Am I inspired by him? Has he ever inspired me? Am I still inspired by him? Is he my inspiration? These also emerged to say a hi to my already busy, questioning mind. Conclusion: do I inspire him? He said yes. But I don't know. Does he inspire me? Yes. In every possible way yes. After all, it's not as a silly question as it is.

Miss Savaltore

There I was. Standing nearby my car, looking at their backs going further and further away. Their hands holding each other', melting like a sweet pot of caramel on vanilla ice-cream. And I was just there, being left once again without ever being explained, properly, accordingly. Not even with the chance to ask why, how, and when did they start their own little paradise without me. And so I got back to my car, looked in the mirror. And sighed.

It's always been like this. People leave me without telling me why, or even if they do, they use really articulate and polite excuses. And so I end up accepting those words without really talking back or showing a slight sense of doubt.

He brought me to a nice cafe for breakfast that day and while I'm still tasting my pancakes he said "Amelia, I think it's about time we progress to another stage". I immediately thought of wedding bells, wedding gown, wedding this, wedding that... It's quite fair since we had been together for almost 4 years and 59 days. "Oh, I think...", and before I could finished, he finished me with "It's best we go from bf/gf to best friends". I was confused and almost choked myself with the dry pancake which tasted like wasabi flaboured raw chicken, but I don't even know what that means... And he went on "It will be much healthier for both of us. I will still care about you, and you will obviously still care about me. But the thing is, we no longer need to care so much about each other, just so we can live our lives freely and a lot happier, Don't you think?". I finally had the chance to say something "But I thought we were quite ok, I mean...". "Yes, we were quite ok. But it will be even better if we just PROGRESS to a deeper level of friendship! We love each other so much, it's inevitable for us to achieve a marvellous friendship ever Amelia!". And, before I could try to say something, he added "Thank you Amelia for making this come true! I've always wanted to have a best friend like you! So, call me whenever you need anything, but you know how busy I am, so be patient if I can't answer your call ok?". And so he thanked me for the breakfast and left as quick as possible to the door. 15 minutes later there I was next to my car staring at his back, holding hands with someone else. So now I'm his best friend.

I really don't know why progressing to him means turning me to his best friend while he progressed with someone else. Why couldn't he just tell me he wanted to break up with me so he could be with her officially without having to lie to me ever again about being busy at work, getting stuck at the beach 'cause too crowded of life guards, traffic jam in the mountains, his brother cut his own finger because he was bored and was an introvert (aren't all introverts unaware of how boring they can be?), etc etc etc. Oh and the funny thing is, he doesn't even have a brother. Sigh...

Am I that stupid to be fooled and fooled and fooled again? I guess I am...

He Called And She Answered

The phone rings. Is ringing. Pick it up. Pick it right now. Hello. Hi. It's me. I know. Yea. Mm. How have you been. Good. This is awkward. Why. I don't know what I'm doing. You never knew. I guess I missed you. Mm. What's that "mm" supposed to mean. You know. I want to see you. Why. Because I miss you and I can't stop thinking about you. I can't. I know you're married, but. I can't because if I see you, I'm afraid I will follow you to wherever you go.

The "We"

We love. We hate. We laugh. We cry. We play. We argue. We talk. We blame. We... Why can't we just sit down and talk through things in an adult way.

 

I Bruise And I Break Easily

We were teasing each other.
But then you suddenly said something painfully aggressive.
And that was how my heart broke into pieces.

A Brand New Day

A lot has happened for the past month. A lot of unhappiness. But today is a brand new day. I will keep on holding this day and remind myself to be positive and be happier.

Love?!

It's hard to keep being positive when things around you keep knocking you down when you just feel a little better. You say you love me. You say your love for me will only increase. You say you are the happiest man when you are with me. But your actions don't quite show the point. Or am I missing something? You don't ask me how I am. You text me as if you are only reporting to me where you are going, and that's it. You don't write to me asking how's my day? Or telling me how was your night. But again, if I ask you what is wrong, why are you acting like this, you will tell me to stop giving you so much stress, that you're tired, you have lots of things to do, etc etc etc, than putting me first. OK... I get it. Why should I bother so much. Why should I, once again, let another man hurt me. Why should my happiness depend on one man only. I'm tired an sick of always talking about my love life. I need someone to put me above everything else. I need someone to constantly show me his love for me. I need to be loved. Extremely loved and cared. I crave for love. I'm addicted to love. I simply need a man who can love me so much so much so much so much so much that he's willing to do anything for me. I know this is a crazy thought, a crazy dream, an unrealistic aim. But that's what I need. I need love. I need him.