I don't know what I'm doing here, I don't know what's waiting for me out there. If only you could tell me. I'm tired, ridiculously tired. I can fall asleep with my eyes wide open, thinking of you. Is it any good? Thinking of you can only make things worse. Maybe I should stop then. I should put an end to this inexplicable infatuation towards someone I barely know. Yes, I never really knew you. I'm looking at my hands and they remind me of your lean fingers. They remind me of how we played with our hands while we were at the cinema. Everybody was so concentrated apart from us, wandering around, allowing our hands to make love in such a smooth way. No one noticed. How could they. We did it in such a discreet way. Your hands. I miss them. I can't touch you anymore. And it hurts till I can no longer feel it. I guess I'm immune to any pain right now. I thought I saw you the other day. You were with him and your kids. You looked happy and so content. But no, it wasn't you. You were never satisfied, and it's not now that you're going to be. For that I'm sure of. It was always hard to keep with your appetite. You were picky, extremely demanding. Well, those days are gone now. But I wish I could go back and feed your reckless and selfish hunger. I wish. Where are you? It's not fair you leaving me here alone. We were supposed to start a new episode of our lives together in this unknown city full of excitement and danger. But you left me without a word. You left without saying a proper goodbye. You just left. I knew you weren't that in love with me when you said you were willing to start something new together. I knew it. I just hoped you would change your mind and appreciate what I'd be doing for you. But you needed to leave. Needed to go back. Needed to return to him. I can't count the times you sneaked out to spend some time with him, but I remember all of them. Back then it was painfully irritating to see you lying in front of my face and you knew exactly that I was aware of your lies. But you didn't do anything about it, you just kept lying and digging my heart deeper and deeper to engrave your lies. It hurt a lot. But I was madly in love with you and I couldn't imagine life without you. I'd rather live a lie then be awake in reality when I wouldn't even have the chance to smell you. I was desperate. I am still desperate for a tiny piece of you. When I close my eyes I see the numerous times we held hands, kissed and stared at each other ready to dive into the heat. But I can't kiss you right now. I can't never hold you tight to my chest again. I can only see you passing by and playing with other men. I witness everything including the things I don't want to. But it doesn't bother you does it? Because deep down you think I'm just another man who wasn't courageous enough to accept your wildness. I'm sorry, I couldn't take it. And it's too late now. It's too late to redeem anything. Now, that I'm dead, you're free to do whatever you want with your heart. But please remember, just remember to keep a tiny piece for me.
October 13, 2009
His Story
I don't know what I'm doing here, I don't know what's waiting for me out there. If only you could tell me. I'm tired, ridiculously tired. I can fall asleep with my eyes wide open, thinking of you. Is it any good? Thinking of you can only make things worse. Maybe I should stop then. I should put an end to this inexplicable infatuation towards someone I barely know. Yes, I never really knew you. I'm looking at my hands and they remind me of your lean fingers. They remind me of how we played with our hands while we were at the cinema. Everybody was so concentrated apart from us, wandering around, allowing our hands to make love in such a smooth way. No one noticed. How could they. We did it in such a discreet way. Your hands. I miss them. I can't touch you anymore. And it hurts till I can no longer feel it. I guess I'm immune to any pain right now. I thought I saw you the other day. You were with him and your kids. You looked happy and so content. But no, it wasn't you. You were never satisfied, and it's not now that you're going to be. For that I'm sure of. It was always hard to keep with your appetite. You were picky, extremely demanding. Well, those days are gone now. But I wish I could go back and feed your reckless and selfish hunger. I wish. Where are you? It's not fair you leaving me here alone. We were supposed to start a new episode of our lives together in this unknown city full of excitement and danger. But you left me without a word. You left without saying a proper goodbye. You just left. I knew you weren't that in love with me when you said you were willing to start something new together. I knew it. I just hoped you would change your mind and appreciate what I'd be doing for you. But you needed to leave. Needed to go back. Needed to return to him. I can't count the times you sneaked out to spend some time with him, but I remember all of them. Back then it was painfully irritating to see you lying in front of my face and you knew exactly that I was aware of your lies. But you didn't do anything about it, you just kept lying and digging my heart deeper and deeper to engrave your lies. It hurt a lot. But I was madly in love with you and I couldn't imagine life without you. I'd rather live a lie then be awake in reality when I wouldn't even have the chance to smell you. I was desperate. I am still desperate for a tiny piece of you. When I close my eyes I see the numerous times we held hands, kissed and stared at each other ready to dive into the heat. But I can't kiss you right now. I can't never hold you tight to my chest again. I can only see you passing by and playing with other men. I witness everything including the things I don't want to. But it doesn't bother you does it? Because deep down you think I'm just another man who wasn't courageous enough to accept your wildness. I'm sorry, I couldn't take it. And it's too late now. It's too late to redeem anything. Now, that I'm dead, you're free to do whatever you want with your heart. But please remember, just remember to keep a tiny piece for me.
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4 comments:
What is always very good with your stories, Cesca, is that you are able to make them our own story, our own experience... You have the eyes, the heart, the words... :-) Thank you... :-)
joao
Thank you Joao for enjoying my stories :)
How have you been?
:)
... I am fine as usual, Cesca... whatever that means... :-) I was wondering what would happen to someone who is doing well if he had a real coffee with you as a real person from time to time... would he fel better or "worse"?... :-)
:-)
joao
I'd like him/her to feel better of course. But everybody is different, and I've to admit some ppl have got worse after spending some time with me. Haha... I guess we can't please and make things better to everyone and all the time.
And you?
:)
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