Day 4

Heavy head. Tired neck. Can't feel my shoulders anymore. Feel like lying on my bed, with no thoughts coming through and not giving birth to new complicated thoughts, simply lying there with an empty heart, empty soul. But I can't. Life goes on even when you feel like giving up. You still need to work. You still need to survive.
Last night was better than the previous ones. I guess I'm getting used to it now. This morning is a bit easier too because I'm starting to realise shit happens and even if I don't want, they still happen to drop on my head. So better wipe them away quick, and face whatever it comes. At the end of the day, there are thousands and thousands of people in much worse situations... So yes, need to be brave and learn to accept things change. People change. There is no "love you forever", "I will always treat you as nice as now", "you're my everything" etc etc etc... There is no unconditional love, apart from the ones parents have for their children. Better to wake up now then 10 years later. Must remember: there are people in worse situations. Must not see myself as a victim. Life goes on and deal with whatever unpleasant situations, because life involves great stuff and shitty things.
My forehead is so big today, I really feel like banging on my desk until I'm numb to whatever pain coming from there.

Wednesday

I woke up several times in the middle of the night. My head was spinning and my body was sweating. No, I didn't have any nightmares, 'cause what is happening in my real life is already one. I turned to him, he was sort of sleeping. My arm reached his side and was quickly pushed away. I tried again feeling him, but he didn't allow it and told me to fuck off. I pulled my arm back to my chest, staring at his back. I couldn't recognise that person. It was like as I was on the same bed with a stranger who is angry for having to share the same bed with me. It was at that precise moment, I noticed, it was quite over.

I've been reminiscing the past. Our past. Our various notes, postcards, written to each other. Those words have become vague, empty. How hard is it to write "I love you, you are my everything". What's hard is to making those words alive. Is to awake them and make them real. Not many people can do that so far. And people just jump in to the ocean of words, embracing them hoping they mean what they are supposed to mean.

What should I do from now on? Focus. To focus. On what? On my girl. On my job. Focus on my girl because she's my hope. And I'm her hope. I must not let her down. She's my life. Focus on my job because I have given up the perfect illusive idea of relying on someone. I earn my own money, spend what I can.

An old friend called. I thought she was dead long ago. She asked how things were, and I very quickly and honestly told her my situation. She laughed. Very hard. So hard it hurt my ears. Then she said "you know what? I've always been jealous of you. You always had everything, everyone. But right now I'm just really happy that you are upset with your marriage! I'm not judging who is wrong or shits like that. All I'm saying is: you failed! And is the first time ever I feel like winning!". I was shocked. I just didn't expect her to say that. But deep down I was very happy for her current life. She's finally found the right person to be with, her kid is growing healthily and happily, she's made to the top 5 fashion designer in Sweden. At the end I simply said "I'm really happy for you. You deserve everything you have now. As for me, I hope I can just be very happy and healthy with my girl, the rest doesn't matter anymore. Good to hear from you, I wish you all the best!". And we hung up. Seriously, I never thought, for one second, she was jealous of me. I never thought such a close friend was so unhappy of what I had then. People are complicated creatures. If they weren't they wouldn't be called people, I guess.

Another Day

Obviously we didn't talk. We never talk. It was like one of those silent treatments again or an ongoing cold war which happens every once in a while, but lately, has been knocking us quite often. Shit happens I guess. Sleeping next to him but with a conspicuous distance in between, is kind of usual now. I'm getting used to it. Of course, I would love to cuddle him, to lay my head on his chest, to feel his arms wrapped around me, to feel his fingers running through my hair, to smell his ears, to just be in love again and do silly things together. But things change. And I guess there are times when wanting something is no longer necessarily making something happening. I want this and I want that. But, I don't know since when, it doesn't mean shit anymore. For how long can we keep ignoring each other? I don't know. He will soon go on trip again. I guess we won't be talking, being silly together, loving each other back (if we can really make things go back to normal, or if we can really love each other as much as before again), until he comes back, maybe? I don't know. Life's so unpredictable, and that made us crossed our lips, holding hands and the happiest couple ever. But it''s down to the same reason, that shits come unpredictably, and to constantly battle with those things it just wears you down. Nothing can be assured anymore. Trust in someone fades easily. Faith in something vanishes. What's left is probably just souls wandering around, looking for the lost mirror of themselves. Some are lucky and get to find them again. Others keep wandering and wandering not knowing if it's time to give up or simply keep on trying.

Dark Monday

When I first started this blog, I was only planing to write certain short fictional stories inspired by my own or other people's experience. As time goes by, I noticed more and more often I write about myself, my life, my situations. Some more exaggerated in a way, others quite close to the real picture. And I also notice, most of them are becoming upsetting portraits of my life. Why? It seems like my life has gone worst than before. Maybe is because I value certain things too much. Or better, I over valued. Or even I expected more than was enough for me.

Today something really uncomfortable happened. I slapped his face twice and he slapped me back. My jaw line is misplaced, I even had to go to the health centre nearby to sort it out. They simply told me to wait, the pain will go away in a few days. "The pain will go away", will it? I know I shouldn't lay hands first. Once again, my behaviour showed my weakness in thinking before acting. However, never in my life I thought he would slap me back. I'm not trying to put myself as a victim. There is no victim nor abuser here. We both were violent and did something we shouldn't have. But I'm still overwhelmed by the reaction. He might say he was self defending. He might say he couldn't take it anymore. But I don't know, deep down, I think a man should never do that to a woman. He could have walked away. Or shouted at me. Or I don't know. The moment he hit me back, I could feel my heart into pieces.

Do I love him still? I don't know. I'm still very confused. Is not just because of what happened this morning. Is more like a saga running from last year till now. I have to admit I'm not a person who is easy to deal with. I have my temper. I do things impulsively and then I regret. I'm impatient and authoritative at times. I like things my way. I'm very mean to certain people as a way of revenge. And I know exactly what hurtful things to say to hurt right in the heart of someone who messed with me. To summarise: I'm not the most efficient while controlling my temper.

But does it mean I'm the one to take all the fault in? I don't think so. This is a relationship. Is about two people and a baby. It has actions and reactions. Whatever.... I don't feel like writing anymore. All I wanna do right now is to... I used to know what to do before whenever I'm in a very difficult position. But I don't know since when, I no longer know where to head when shit happens.

Maybe right now I should just go home and hold my baby girl. She's my life. The only hope I have in my life. And for her I must stay strong and do everything I can to give her happiness and security. Yes... she's  my motivation... I need to put that in my head.