When I first started this blog, I was only planing to write certain short fictional stories inspired by my own or other people's experience. As time goes by, I noticed more and more often I write about myself, my life, my situations. Some more exaggerated in a way, others quite close to the real picture. And I also notice, most of them are becoming upsetting portraits of my life. Why? It seems like my life has gone worst than before. Maybe is because I value certain things too much. Or better, I over valued. Or even I expected more than was enough for me.
Today something really uncomfortable happened. I slapped his face twice and he slapped me back. My jaw line is misplaced, I even had to go to the health centre nearby to sort it out. They simply told me to wait, the pain will go away in a few days. "The pain will go away", will it? I know I shouldn't lay hands first. Once again, my behaviour showed my weakness in thinking before acting. However, never in my life I thought he would slap me back. I'm not trying to put myself as a victim. There is no victim nor abuser here. We both were violent and did something we shouldn't have. But I'm still overwhelmed by the reaction. He might say he was self defending. He might say he couldn't take it anymore. But I don't know, deep down, I think a man should never do that to a woman. He could have walked away. Or shouted at me. Or I don't know. The moment he hit me back, I could feel my heart into pieces.
Do I love him still? I don't know. I'm still very confused. Is not just because of what happened this morning. Is more like a saga running from last year till now. I have to admit I'm not a person who is easy to deal with. I have my temper. I do things impulsively and then I regret. I'm impatient and authoritative at times. I like things my way. I'm very mean to certain people as a way of revenge. And I know exactly what hurtful things to say to hurt right in the heart of someone who messed with me. To summarise: I'm not the most efficient while controlling my temper.
But does it mean I'm the one to take all the fault in? I don't think so. This is a relationship. Is about two people and a baby. It has actions and reactions. Whatever.... I don't feel like writing anymore. All I wanna do right now is to... I used to know what to do before whenever I'm in a very difficult position. But I don't know since when, I no longer know where to head when shit happens.
Maybe right now I should just go home and hold my baby girl. She's my life. The only hope I have in my life. And for her I must stay strong and do everything I can to give her happiness and security. Yes... she's my motivation... I need to put that in my head.
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