Leave Me Now, Right Now (V)

0 months ago

The clock keeps ticking.
Nobody talks until one of them breaks the silence, turns the music on...

("What a drag it is, the shape I'm in... Well I go out somewhere then I come home again...")

The nurse leaves Sheila's room. Before she closes the door, she glances at Sheila, asking herself what is wrong with this world? How on earth can such a beautiful person be so lost? This world is not fair... Where is God when some people most need His help? The nurse shuts the door.

Sheila looks in the mirror. She wonders where has the old Sheila gone. Where's the happy, carefree and beautiful being she was once proud of. All she can see right in front of her is a dull face. Those olive vivid eyes which could seduce any passing by soul, where are they? Gone. Now all she sees is a desperate portrait, someone who is no longer herself...

Is that it? - she asks. Is that it? Is that how she is going to live her so called life? Is that it? Her life... Her path filled with harsh and dusty air. What is life? What is its meaning though? Everyone tries to define or at least see life in a different and unique perspective, assuming it as dangerously beautiful in every way which should be truthfully cherished... Or re-creating it as some sort of untouchable treasure yet a practical desire which everyone must live in. But let's be honest, how many can really see and capture the essence of life before it is too late? How many... How many people have lost their faith, belief and love in their lives? The worse thing is not being alone: is finding yourself lost not knowing which way to step, which way is right or wrong. Time keeps flying, rushing to an unknown paradise, leaving those behind searching and trembling, wondering back and forth, hoping to change certain unchangeable memories.

("All my life, watching America... All my life, there's panic in America, Oh Oh Oh, Oh... There's trouble in America, Oh Oh Oh, Oh...")

She remembers the last words Jacob said before he was vanished. Those exact words: "Umm... I gotta go. Call me when you're ready". Sheila can still see him in the mirror, as if she was watching her own life documentary, reporting and revealing every tiny sequence: his back fades away as he shuts the door behind him leaving his past. This brief image of Jacob appears every once in a while, allowing Sheila to fullfill part of her desires.

("Yesterday was easy, happiness came and went... I got the movie script, but I don't know what it meant...")

And suddently tears are born, drawing fragile paths on her face, stamping the insivible bruises underneath her skin. She challenges time and travels back to her memories: the day Jacob left her place and never returned. Sheila closes her eyes and hears the phone. It keeps ringing, crying out for help... She sees herself on that unforgettable day. She sees another Sheila on the floor forgetting the world, ignoring her existence. It rings and rings. She finally picks it up. Isn't it amazing how people can open their little drawers of memories and pick whatever they want? At times, memories keep calling back when people most want to shake them away.

Sheila walks to the window. It's raining. Everything is distorted because of the running water. She whispers to herself while the rain drops touch the window: Yea... People are already getting hurt... I cannot pretend I had any regret, because each broken heart will eventually mend.

Each heart will eventually mend... How come my heart is not healed yet? You left me because you had to. But why? Did I do something wrong? My heart is broken. I gave it to you but you crashed it with your own hands... I thought everything was beautiful... I saw rainbows and butterflies in everywhere we went... Why did you have to go? It was my birthday... I thought you would give me the happiest birthday ever... But you didn't. You came to pick up your stuffs. You never told me what went wrong. Was there a she? A he? What happened? Why? What really happened???!!! I don't know because it was too late for you to explain when you finally wanted to... But I see you everyday... And... that's the scariest thing happening to me... - she says.

The rain stops. Ray of sunlights appears and lights up every corner of the room. She bursts into tears and destroys everything she sees around her, including herself.

("All my life, watching America... All my life, there's panic in America, Oh Oh Oh, Oh... There's trouble in America, Oh Oh Oh, Oh... Tell me how does it feel... Tell me how does it feel... Tell me how does it feel...")

What happened to Jacob? What went wrong between Sheila and her other half? Was going to a mental institution the best answer to all her troubles? Was Sheila just having illusions or was Jacob really there when she needed him? Was she only asking for closure? Nobody knew. There was only one Sheila.

However, how many of us see our lives similar to hers? How many of us is pretending to live a happy and content life, hiding the unforgiveable sorrow behind our masks? How many of us can really let things go and start everything from 0... Expectations and more expectations, when can we all stop asking questions and responding to what others expect us to do? When? Maybe we should all stop pretending, expectating and alluding.

Not everything is explicable. When people are lost, they search for different explainations. But why? To feel a little bit more comfortable? Maybe. To excuse themselves why things went wrong? Maybe. To make themselves feel part of the norm, because when something happens, there must be a reason for sure, right? Maybe. Not everything has a reason. Things just happen, sometimes. Let's not be afraid to embrace the unknown and the unexplainable. Life is... is simply life, nothing less nothing more.

The end.

Denial (IV)

5 months ago

The sun is burning, lights are exploring new territories and noises are enchanting the surroundings. Her favourite song is on...

("For 27 years I've been trying to believe and confide in different people I found... some of them got closer than others some wouldn't even bother and then you came around...")

Sheila contemplates the view outside her room, admiring the unique dimension filled in the air. People are laughing and crying, talking and moaning, jumping and sitting still, found and lost... The world isn't perfect and there's always something special present in those fragile souls. What is perfect though? If nothing is perfect, why are they here? Shoudn't they be somewhere else? Shouldn't they be accepted as what most people call "normal"? If nothing is perfect then they should be seen exactly as who they are... But, maybe this is the right place for them because everyone gets hurt sometimes. And unfortunately, some hearts and minds need more than just time to heal, to be fixed... As this world judges every single person and fails those who are different, these people have no choice but to stay in here... Away from the so called "normal life". They are not crazy, they are just unwell.

Sheila, you have a visitor. - the nurse says.
Sheila, Sheila! - she repeats.

It's ok. thank you. - sheila's mom says.

("I never really knew how to move you, so I tried to intrude through the little holes in your veins, and I saw you... But that’s not an invitation that’s all I get, if this is communication I disconnect... I’ve seen you, I know you but I don’t know how to connect, so I disconnect...)

Sheila... how are you today? It's a beautiful day isn't it? - her mom says.

Silence in the room. A disapointed mom, an unwell daughter.

Oh mom... sorry I, I didn't know you were here... I'm just watching them. They are having a birthday party for one of the girls... - sheila says.

Really? So why didn't you join them? - her mom asks.

Nah, just didn't feel like to. So how's everything? - she says.

I'm good. Haha... I bought myself a new coat you know? Umm, our dad loves it. And oh yea, Do you remember Alice? She is getting married again! This time she got herself a sexy toyboy... hahaha! - her mom says.

Haha really?! Umm... Mom... I wanna go... I just wanna go home... It's not right. Nothing is right in here mom. I need to go to work, there are lots of things waiting for me to do! I can't afford to lose my job mom! Please let me out! please!!! - sheila begs.

Ah... Baby, you know we are doing our best to help you dear... I know this doesn't feel like home at all... And you wanna go out, shopping, hang around with your friends, you know... But we can all do these together when you feel better sheila... and... - her mom says.

And what?! And what???!!! You are locking me up in this stupid and nasty place! And you know how I feel??? This is not the place for me!!! This is a fucking mental institution for fucking stupid and crazy people!!! Do you know that???!!! - sheila shouts.

Honey... Since the accident you went out of control... You lost your job... All your social contacts... You even tried to kill yourself... And... And it's very hard for us to see you like that baby... we love you so much Sheila! You and your illusions!!! There was nothing else we could have done, that's why we brought you here because you need help! It doesn't mean we don't love you Sheila!!! - her mom says.

What do you mean I lost my job?! I was still working hard and having a life before you put me in this shit!!! Oh i see... You are just jealous of me, aren't you? Yea... I get it... You never had a decent life... All you know is to shop this and that, having teas with your so called chic friends... But you never had true love and you'll never get it from dad!!! Right?! You are jealous of me 'cause I had it, I had my life, I earned my own fucking money... And I had someone who truly loved me!!! And I know he still does!!! - sheila shouts.

Sheila can't you see it's all illusion??!! He is dead!!! Jacob is dead!!! Just wake uppppp!!! You will never see him again!!! Oh god... Why is this happening... Oh dear god... Sheila... Please... Listen to me, you'll soon come home again, ok baby? Is just... You still need help... And... I'm sorry honey... I'm sorry... Pplease just... Just take some rest ok? I'll come back again next week. We all love you. We just... - her mom says.

I can tell you he is not dead. I know I haven't got a job ages ago... I know... All those workmates... waking up in the morning, catching a train were just visions I had... But I can tell you when I see him... I really do!!! Mom, you have to believe me!!! He is not dead!!! He comes here... Sometimes... Shushh... Don't tell anyone mommy, please don't!!! You know those nurses are jealous of me as well... Just like you... You can't tell them Jacob comes here!!! promise me mommy... Please!!! I know Jacob is here, he will always be here with me... Please mom don't tell anyone!!! - sheila whispers.

Her mom can't hold her tears. She hugs her daugther with the sourest tears ever...

("So I disconnect, I disconnect...")

To be continued...

Dangerous Path (III)

7 months ago

Sheila, you know you have to be here every afternoon, don't you? - askes Dr. Henrik Meyers.

Look, I still have bills to pay and I'm not married to a rich lad! I need to work and I need to eat... - she replies.

I know... But this is a crucial procedure for you. If you keep skipping these sections, your situation is going to get worse... And - he says.

And what? And I'll keep having severe illusions till the day I die... Am I right? How about killing myself then? So I can end everything at once! - she says.

Sheila... I'm here to help... Why don't you tell me about your day? From the moment you woke up till now, how about that? Let's just relax and chat... - he says.

I had another bad dream again... He wasn't in there... But... Anyway, I woke up, got prepared, had my breakfast and went to work. Mom called when I was at the station... She asked how I was... I hate that. Why does she do that everytime she calls? What now? Is everyone afraid I'm gonna hurt myself or jump from a bridge or stay in the middle of a highway waiting for someone to crash me?! Ridiculous... I told her I was fine... Then the train was delayed... I was late to work and as usual, everyone looked at me as if I was some kinda alien... Why can't they look in the bloody mirror? They wouldn't... Because they wouldn't know how to handle themselves... Those morons... They are afraid to see their dark and dirty souls. They all wear masks and stamping on others jsut so they can show how glamorous they are... Glamourous?! Hahahaha... Yea, they probably think they are the best, but it's what they hide from others, what they don't show that shout more... What's invisible to the eye is always the truth, no? I had two apples at lunch, didn't feel hungry at all... Then I left office early, and they were all like "Look at her! She thinks she's the boss... fucking tart!"... Whatever... And here I am Henrik... - she tells.

So who else did you see during the day? - he asks.

I... I think I saw... I was passing through a bookstore and a book cover catched me... So I stood there looking at it, and from the window's reflection, Ii saw him... I turned around to see him... But then he left... I couldn't see which way he headed... I tried but everyone looked the same... - she replies.

What did you do later on? - he asks?

I gave up and came here. I'm sure he was there... I know that was him, really. Yea... That must have been him... I remember his chest and he was wearing his favourite scarf... What? You don't believe me do you? I knew it! It's always the same shit isn't it?! You tell me to describe my days and then you don't believe a bloody word I say... Fine then... Fine!!! - she shouts.

Sheila calm down... I didn't say anything. Of course I believe you. You see him everyday. - he replies.

I'm tired. I don't wanna talk. Can we do this another day? - she asks.

Yes, sure. Promise me you are coming here tomorrow afternoon, ok? - he asks.

I'll try... you know... I have so many things to do... - she says.

Sheila, I'm here to help you. See you tomorrow. - he says.

He used to say that too... Look where he is now... Happy valentine's day Henrik, your babe is a very lucky girl...- she whispers.

To be continued...