Denial (IV)

5 months ago

The sun is burning, lights are exploring new territories and noises are enchanting the surroundings. Her favourite song is on...

("For 27 years I've been trying to believe and confide in different people I found... some of them got closer than others some wouldn't even bother and then you came around...")

Sheila contemplates the view outside her room, admiring the unique dimension filled in the air. People are laughing and crying, talking and moaning, jumping and sitting still, found and lost... The world isn't perfect and there's always something special present in those fragile souls. What is perfect though? If nothing is perfect, why are they here? Shoudn't they be somewhere else? Shouldn't they be accepted as what most people call "normal"? If nothing is perfect then they should be seen exactly as who they are... But, maybe this is the right place for them because everyone gets hurt sometimes. And unfortunately, some hearts and minds need more than just time to heal, to be fixed... As this world judges every single person and fails those who are different, these people have no choice but to stay in here... Away from the so called "normal life". They are not crazy, they are just unwell.

Sheila, you have a visitor. - the nurse says.
Sheila, Sheila! - she repeats.

It's ok. thank you. - sheila's mom says.

("I never really knew how to move you, so I tried to intrude through the little holes in your veins, and I saw you... But that’s not an invitation that’s all I get, if this is communication I disconnect... I’ve seen you, I know you but I don’t know how to connect, so I disconnect...)

Sheila... how are you today? It's a beautiful day isn't it? - her mom says.

Silence in the room. A disapointed mom, an unwell daughter.

Oh mom... sorry I, I didn't know you were here... I'm just watching them. They are having a birthday party for one of the girls... - sheila says.

Really? So why didn't you join them? - her mom asks.

Nah, just didn't feel like to. So how's everything? - she says.

I'm good. Haha... I bought myself a new coat you know? Umm, our dad loves it. And oh yea, Do you remember Alice? She is getting married again! This time she got herself a sexy toyboy... hahaha! - her mom says.

Haha really?! Umm... Mom... I wanna go... I just wanna go home... It's not right. Nothing is right in here mom. I need to go to work, there are lots of things waiting for me to do! I can't afford to lose my job mom! Please let me out! please!!! - sheila begs.

Ah... Baby, you know we are doing our best to help you dear... I know this doesn't feel like home at all... And you wanna go out, shopping, hang around with your friends, you know... But we can all do these together when you feel better sheila... and... - her mom says.

And what?! And what???!!! You are locking me up in this stupid and nasty place! And you know how I feel??? This is not the place for me!!! This is a fucking mental institution for fucking stupid and crazy people!!! Do you know that???!!! - sheila shouts.

Honey... Since the accident you went out of control... You lost your job... All your social contacts... You even tried to kill yourself... And... And it's very hard for us to see you like that baby... we love you so much Sheila! You and your illusions!!! There was nothing else we could have done, that's why we brought you here because you need help! It doesn't mean we don't love you Sheila!!! - her mom says.

What do you mean I lost my job?! I was still working hard and having a life before you put me in this shit!!! Oh i see... You are just jealous of me, aren't you? Yea... I get it... You never had a decent life... All you know is to shop this and that, having teas with your so called chic friends... But you never had true love and you'll never get it from dad!!! Right?! You are jealous of me 'cause I had it, I had my life, I earned my own fucking money... And I had someone who truly loved me!!! And I know he still does!!! - sheila shouts.

Sheila can't you see it's all illusion??!! He is dead!!! Jacob is dead!!! Just wake uppppp!!! You will never see him again!!! Oh god... Why is this happening... Oh dear god... Sheila... Please... Listen to me, you'll soon come home again, ok baby? Is just... You still need help... And... I'm sorry honey... I'm sorry... Pplease just... Just take some rest ok? I'll come back again next week. We all love you. We just... - her mom says.

I can tell you he is not dead. I know I haven't got a job ages ago... I know... All those workmates... waking up in the morning, catching a train were just visions I had... But I can tell you when I see him... I really do!!! Mom, you have to believe me!!! He is not dead!!! He comes here... Sometimes... Shushh... Don't tell anyone mommy, please don't!!! You know those nurses are jealous of me as well... Just like you... You can't tell them Jacob comes here!!! promise me mommy... Please!!! I know Jacob is here, he will always be here with me... Please mom don't tell anyone!!! - sheila whispers.

Her mom can't hold her tears. She hugs her daugther with the sourest tears ever...

("So I disconnect, I disconnect...")

To be continued...