Morning Call

I hear it.
It's getting louder and louder.
It's time to wake up...
... And I'm awake.

The first thing that comes up to me is the smile on your face. You... The image of you standing in front of me as if I'm holding a camera ready to shoot. And every single part of me is controlled by your beautiful presence. I'm your slave, I'm yours. Yes, this is how you make me feel right in the morning when I wake up.

I'm thinking what should I do next. Shower? Breakfast? Work? Or stay in bed? Either way, I'll still be doing all these by myself. I can only imagine you next to me while I'm having a hot shower. Asking you to hand me the towel and being teased by your playful side. Having coffee and toast, getting all messy and kissed by your soft lips around mine. Off to work, in the car, reminiscing the hours we spent together while the light is green and other cars behind are cursing me. Staying in bed when the only thing I can hug is my pillow, which doesn't resemble you at all. It doesn't smell of you. It's a dead object. And it's ridiculously cold to my taste.

I'm having questions in my head. I wonder a lot of whys and hows and whens and what ifs. This is getting serious. It's evolving into a vicious cycle when one question leads to another and so on.

You're so far away now, and the fact that I can't hold you tight to me, close enough to feel your heartbeat, wears me out. I can't help it. I just don't feel right. I really dislike this feeling inside me, ready to burst. But before it does, it's killing me, slicing and squeezing my heart. It hurts so much that I just want to let myself fall, lay down in the middle of the road and cry. Cry really loud till you can hear me and come back to my side.

I can't help it. This is just too painful for me to handle. It's almost unbearable. Come back. Come back. Come back to me...

My Only Cure

It's not about how long
we've been together,
nor is it how
we've bumped to
each other's life,
ending up where we are
right now.
It's how each breath
I take
reminds me
of your smell,

even though

I can't really

distinguish if it's mine

or yours anymore,

that sweet scent
invading each corridor,
corner you pass by.
It's how
you hold my hands
with such a strength,
and the way
our fingers fit
right into each other's,
making me
never willing
to let them go.
It's when
I touch your face
looking through your eyes,
feeling your jaw line
and irresistibly
having to caress it
with my lips.
Yes,
it's how
you manage
to keep me safe
happy
loved
and grateful
throughout
these 120 days or so.
Nothing seems to be
the same anymore.
I can hardly picture
myself alone
without your presence.
I think,
I really think
I'm diseased.
And the only cure
for me
is you.
So please,
don't run
don't go
don't vanish
out of a sudden,
just be mine,
be mine forever.

Fireworks

We had an argument and you said you were too tired. I can't remember why and what we were arguing on about. Whatever it was, tiny or serious, you walked out from my car. I immediately ran after you and grabbed your hand, wondering if it had to be the way it was. You didn't look into my eyes. You just refused to open yourself and let me read your thoughts and whatever it was concerning you. And I was desperate to do so, begging you to tell me anything that came to your mind. We stood there when my eyes were searching for yours, people were passing by, cars were horning and traffic lights were switching from red to green. You said you needed some time to figure out something and begged me to let you go. I couldn't. I insisted to talk and to solve it together, but you made it very clear to let you off for some time. And so, against my will, I had to let you go. A huge noise scared me, fireworks had started. Lots of people were contemplating them with big smiles. I was there among a big wave of people looking at your back while mine was facing the fireworks. Were they beautiful? I didn't know. To me they were just a set of sparkling colorful things playing in the dark. We were supposed to watch it together. And they were supposed to be beautiful.

Don't Deny It

Humans are weird, some say. Why? Because we spend our entire lives trying to make things easier in such complicated ways. We tend to tell ourselves we love simplicity and we long for that in every single thing we do. But we fail most of the time because we can't ditch the manipulative and calculative traits in us. We are greedy. We are little desperate insatiable beings. We are born to be complicated. We are born to think we are the elite creatures of the entire universe. We are born to be too proud of ourselves. And we are born to forget what we aren't really good at. That's sad.

Disconnected?

To be honest with you, I've no idea what we are doing. Not that I'm not trying hard enough. I just don't get it. I don't understand why do we have to make each other so miserable to prove there is still some sort of connection between us. I look into your eyes and I see myself. And I'm so tired of it. Move on, get over me, leave me alone. I don't want you because I never wanted you at the first place. Don't come and offer yourself to me, I despite that. Wake up and go to someone else, let him touch you and absorb all your beauty and imperfection.

And yes, after all said and done you went back to him. And now I realize that every time I see your face... I know... that there's a part of me that can't bear to let you go.

The Couple (III)

He is crafty, manipulative and an exaggerator. He gets what he wants and doesn't allow those things to slip through his fingers. In a very discreet way he drives me to think that he's such an insecure man, who is just too madly in love with me. He makes me aware of how much he cares about me and this relationship, exposing his weaknesses making me unable to blame him for anything. How can I? He's such a truthful and sensitive man... Don't women love that? We do. And that's the problem. He plays it well, I've to say. Good enough to make me turn a blind eye to his intentions. I do it not because he's really good at it. But because I'm willing to be cheated on. Yes, we play it well.

Life should be easy, why on earth should we complicate it? We've been together for 3 years now. Nothing much have changed. I've to admit I've got used to it, to him. And so has he. We don't really talk anymore. All we do is action. A word or a few is enough to constrain us back into the game. Enough to show our intentions. Enough to take and not much to give.

We are just two miserable cinders. That's life. That's a boring life of a couple who are too grown up for too little love pretending to play it well.

1 Minute Wonder

It stopped. And I wonder why when there's really nothing to wonder.

The Couple (II)

When I see them run, having fun all the way through, it makes me want to play with them. I haven't had a proper laugh in years. I see her standing nearby the door staring at me, waiting for me to say something. But I can't. I just can't. And I'm not going to. She comes over and kisses me. But I feel nothing. Really. Her lips are cold and it's unnerving how she acts like that trying so hard to make me love her. Well, I guess I've this abnormality called "the incapacity to love". And I'm so proud of it. She looks at me with tears in her eyes. What do you want me to do?! You knew it, so why are you trying to make me feel bad?! You can cry, I'm not going to wipe your tears. I thought you got used to this... And yes, I can see tears rolling down her pale face. I seriously don't know why she keeps doing this to herself. It doesn't affect me, it only damages her own self. She must be really dumb to still think I'll change when I see her cry. It's the 1629th time she's doing it. Some people just never learn... She finally moves her ass and leaves the room, but before she does, she gives me that look. The sort of look that says - you'll regret it. Want to know what I'm regretted of? Is that I was stupid enough choosing to be with you, that's what I regret. And I'm showing her a complete relieved happy face. Glad to see her moving. Just go and don't try that on me ever again.

You might wonder why I'm being such a complete ass to her. And to you, my reader, there's always a reason behind every action, because that's the motivation to actually put that action into action, you see what I mean? She's the most cruel woman I've ever met. She manipulates people, influences those close around her, and she doesn't waste a chance to prove to others how cool she is. She is nuts. And I hate her. You might think, all women are a bit like that, so there's really no reason to over react. Oh you haven't seen what she's capable of, just yet.

My story is simple. I grew up without having a proper dad around at home. Did quite badly at school but managed to get to university without finishing my degree. Been into a few relationships and ending up with someone I thought was perfect for me. Unemployed and ready to die. Yes, that's my story. Simple and pretty common. When I die I won't take the truth with me, I'll let the whole world know what happened and what a mental freak she was to me. I'm not going to hold the truth with me like many of us do. Why would we do that? That's so selfish. I might be a coward, but at least I know the ugly truth and am willing to share it. How many of us can do that?

I just don't want her near me when I'm ready to perish.

The Couple (I)

When I got there you were already gone. Everything looked the same except they seemed tidier and that bothered me. I walked to your room and I couldn't smell your scent anymore. It was an empty cold room with nothing resembling your presence. You just vanished the entire place, unwilling to give me one more chance to see you go. Refusing to let me breathe you for one last time. How cruel was that? You were mean. Harsh. Unreasonable. You left me in such a hurry allowing me to keep my sadness and desperation away from everybody and to die inside my already dead soul. Who were you to do that? I hated you. I hated you more than anything. You selfish filthy thing... You took away my pride, my freedom, my hunger to cry... As I was forcing myself to shed some tears out, I sat on the floor. I couldn't feel anything. I needed to go, needed to run... It was too suffocating in such a big house. And so I closed the door without looking back even though I knew you were nearby watching me. You coward.

It's been a year now since I last saw you. I wonder where you are. Some people told me you went to far east. Well, you've always wanted to travel to the other side of the world. You just didn't because I wouldn't let you. I dragged you all the way with me to places you never really wanted to stay. And that must had been quite hard on you. Was it the reason why you left? I don't know. I'm waiting for you to tell me. In case you ever do, please stay for longer before you are ready to leave me again.

Relationships are weird links. They can be so convincing and terribly reliable, promising the whole world. Yet, nothing is guaranteed. Thus, how reliable could they be? Another delusion, another deception... I'm not saying it's impossible though. It's only... too hard. I remember you told me the story of the scorpion and frog. The scorpion wanted to cross the river, but he didn't know how to swim. He saw a frog around and asked if the frog could take him on the back. The frog said no, because it knew when they arrive to the other side of the river, the scorpion would sting the frog. But the scorpion insisted he would not. The frog trusted him. At the end, he got killed, and wondered why. The scorpion said "I'm sorry, but this is my nature". Was that your nature as well? Or was I too ingenuous?

I'm just too desperate for something believable.

60

I kept chasing it, till it flew too high. All I could do was watching it go, further and further away from where it never belonged.

I see them having a good time. Laughing, drinking and cheering, totally enjoying the night. That girl there, she glances at him every once in a while. And he has no idea of it, just yet. People come here to have a good time after a long day work. Far away from all those driving them crazy during the day. Away from those who are mere fools but are too foolish to admit their incurable disease. That group are having champagne. Young and happy. When was my last time having that? I can't remember. I'm no longer young, but I'm content. Does it mean I'm happy? Maybe. Well, perhaps it doesn't matter anymore, as long as I feel secure and still able to walk without any help. Yes, the older you get, the less you aim for. Life becomes simple... and boring. But it satisfies you, not all the time though. Those two are getting closer. They must be talking about something funny. Look at her smile. And the way he looks at her. What a flirtatious girl she is. Daring and playful. The music is getting louder. Most people are ready to dance. The pair is dancing now and something is soon to happen. And yes, he kissed her. They are looking at each other's eyes and it makes me feel lonely. But I'm glad he did it. He did what I didn't do 60 years ago. And all these years seem like yesterday.

?

Something is not right.
Is it just me or the entire world?
Tell me.

His Story

I don't know what I'm doing here, I don't know what's waiting for me out there. If only you could tell me. I'm tired, ridiculously tired. I can fall asleep with my eyes wide open, thinking of you. Is it any good? Thinking of you can only make things worse. Maybe I should stop then. I should put an end to this inexplicable infatuation towards someone I barely know. Yes, I never really knew you. I'm looking at my hands and they remind me of your lean fingers. They remind me of how we played with our hands while we were at the cinema. Everybody was so concentrated apart from us, wandering around, allowing our hands to make love in such a smooth way. No one noticed. How could they. We did it in such a discreet way. Your hands. I miss them. I can't touch you anymore. And it hurts till I can no longer feel it. I guess I'm immune to any pain right now. I thought I saw you the other day. You were with him and your kids. You looked happy and so content. But no, it wasn't you. You were never satisfied, and it's not now that you're going to be. For that I'm sure of. It was always hard to keep with your appetite. You were picky, extremely demanding. Well, those days are gone now. But I wish I could go back and feed your reckless and selfish hunger. I wish. Where are you? It's not fair you leaving me here alone. We were supposed to start a new episode of our lives together in this unknown city full of excitement and danger. But you left me without a word. You left without saying a proper goodbye. You just left. I knew you weren't that in love with me when you said you were willing to start something new together. I knew it. I just hoped you would change your mind and appreciate what I'd be doing for you. But you needed to leave. Needed to go back. Needed to return to him. I can't count the times you sneaked out to spend some time with him, but I remember all of them. Back then it was painfully irritating to see you lying in front of my face and you knew exactly that I was aware of your lies. But you didn't do anything about it, you just kept lying and digging my heart deeper and deeper to engrave your lies. It hurt a lot. But I was madly in love with you and I couldn't imagine life without you. I'd rather live a lie then be awake in reality when I wouldn't even have the chance to smell you. I was desperate. I am still desperate for a tiny piece of you. When I close my eyes I see the numerous times we held hands, kissed and stared at each other ready to dive into the heat. But I can't kiss you right now. I can't never hold you tight to my chest again. I can only see you passing by and playing with other men. I witness everything including the things I don't want to. But it doesn't bother you does it? Because deep down you think I'm just another man who wasn't courageous enough to accept your wildness. I'm sorry, I couldn't take it. And it's too late now. It's too late to redeem anything. Now, that I'm dead, you're free to do whatever you want with your heart. But please remember, just remember to keep a tiny piece for me.

Can't Hear You

I ask for a glass of water
you give me a bottle,
I ask for half an hour
you give me your entire day,
hey,
aren't you tired?
you give me too much,
indulging me with excessiveness
but without ever handing me what I really want.

Passing By

Yes. I think about you all the time. I can still picture us in different scenarios. Your face occupies my eyes in every single way. Your voice invades my heart giving me that tingling feeling around my spine. Yes, I'm still in love with you. And I've been lying to myself for far too many times. What more can I say. Nothing, really. When what I get from you is a simple "it's nice to see you, let's catch up some other time". What do I expect? Nothing, nothing less than a simple "nice to see you".

What more can I say...

Under The Moon

Everything is so out of focus. This face seems distant. Distorted. Tormented. Aggravated. - she says.

How are you supposed to focus on yourself if you can't even recognize the real you? - he asks.

All I'm longing for is to see beyond what your eyes are reflecting when you look into mine... - she replies.

There's nothing beyond. Because it's been too long since we last crossed our eyes. - he says.

Then maybe we should go back to the start. - she whispers.

Common Mistake

"A maior covardia de um homem é despertar o amor de uma mulher sem ter a intenção de amá-la", by Bob Marley (1945-1981).
















I agree.

A Rhetorical Question?

There are so many words I want to tell you. So many things I'd like to hear from you. But we don't say it, do we? Why? It's because we can't handle it. Yes, the truth. Can't we really? If we start pronouncing it, I think we could.

Where have you been? I feel like I'm the only one sitting and waiting. It's never easy when you're so suffocated of what you're feeling towards the other person. There are times when I really want to tell you right in front of your face how much I care. How much I miss you. And how weirdly in love I am... with you. But you wouldn't care. And you'd just say "you don't know what I care, you don't know how I feel, you don't know it." So yes, I better stop assuming.

But what's so wrong? Well, it's been too long. It's not that I don't have the courage to run to you and tell you "let's give it a try". I just need you to tell me the exact words I'd like to hear. I need your reassurance. But you seem so far away from me. I don't want to forget you, but there are times when I can no longer remember... Because once I'm in your arms, it'd be too hard for me to see you go.

Can we just lay down and start telling the truth, what we really want from each other?

Just for once.

Disturbed

Walking away from you is wrong
And I can never redeem for the things that will happen next.

Taking his hands is a mistake
And I can't ignore those hands responsible for the crime scene.

Seeing you but knowing you can no longer remember me
Kills me and I can hardly breathe right now.

Running to you and listening to those words
Breaks me.

It's over now. It's just a nightmare I had.

A Melancholic Dream

I just woke up from a misty dream. How strange it is to see your face in there. It was blury but I could tell it was you. I say it's strange because I don't usually see people's faces in my dreams. Or perhaps I'm just too shy to stare at them in my own dreams... I don't know... It's disturbing how this is happening. I'm not saying I don't have any desire to see you in them, not at all. All I'm trying to say is that it is weird and quite unexplicable you are the only person my eyes can catch in my dreams. Funny, how things turn out in life. My eyes are on you now, you are all I can see. I think I'm going mad. But I'm enjoying it, I'm actually asking for this madness to last. Yes, I'm all over you now. Can't you tell? When I look at you I see a different person everyday. I can't quite figure out what's going on in your mind. Needless to say in your heart. Not exactly impossible to do so, it's just most of the time I don't know what's behind those olive eyes... Well, I try my best to guess and to decipher those signs you give away, but nothing. Hang on, nothing? Not really, when I'm lucky and when you're willing to spill it out I get something... It's frustrating at times, but I like it. It's like I'm next to you, close to your thoughts but then I can't quite catch them... It's strangely magnetic. Yes, that's the word. Magnetic. What do you see in me then? I haven't got a clue. I'm not particularly your kind of taste. At least that's what I think. I'm not good looking. I'm a worrier, not much confidence with what I do. I'm boring. Ordinary. No one could have possibly fallen in love with me unless they are out of this universe. I'm just a simple man on earth who needs to gain more weight and work on my muscles. See how unattractive and mudane I am? No, you don't. And that's what bothers me. I'm scared that one day we'll both wake up from this dream. And when I look into your eyes I can't no longer see my reflection in them. I'm scared that you'll tell me how blind folded you were to pick me. I'm scared that you'll get bored of me and never coming back to my arms again. I'm scared. Yes, I am.

Say It

07:09
the phone rings

hello... hello... hello?! estou?...

silence

07:15
rings again

hello? hello?...

quiet

and so they are
one doesn't say anything
the other keeps hoping and waiting.

Marathon

Running miles and miles. Chasing the back in front. Someone says is time to stop. Ah, how tempting because I never really liked marathons. I slow down and stay here. You are almost getting to where I am. And this is the only way you see my back and let me get closer to you.

I want to show you how much I like it now. But I don't know how to. How does it work?

My heart is beating fast. Is heavy now.

If only I could.

14:45 - 19:15

"Right at this moment I am the luckiest person in the world.

Time goes by
People change
But at this second
Only you and I
Remain placid"


This place is crowded
hot and humid,
people are whispering
talking
shouting
and laughing.
Their skin
touches mine
every once in a while.
Various scents
disturb my senses,
some are pleasing
and others
revolting.
I keep walking
passing by strangers,
mentally portraying
each person's story
behind their worn out masks.
And I get tired because
the barriers are too thick
they don't let me in,
how can they
if they can't even remember
their own stories of life?

Yes,
I want to see a face,
a Chinese girl
with a delicate
porcelain face.
I don't care about her past
I don't care who she is
all I want is her unique face
hanged on my wall.
She's the only one
I'm not interested
in her story.
Why?
Because she only serves
for one purpose,
and that is
to be right in the middle
of a lonely wall.
How many of us are mere decorations,
accessories to others?
I can't count.

But when I look
at you
and those words
you wrote,
I know we ain't
each other's accessories
and I'm driven away
from this chaotic world.
I can't help it
but to taste some of the greatest
flavours of life:
sweetness
warmth
simplicity
and
surtout l'amour.

Am I an exaggerator?

Where Is The Apple Of Your Eyes?

People say there is always a place in the sun for everyone. Especially for those who want to chase the world. They often close their eyes and think of someone they find themselves in love with. In love with, what a strong phenomenon connecting every single one of us with each other. Yes. You can't see it until you really feel it. If that's true, there must be a place in the sun for those who are in love then.

Postcards

She wrote:
"When the mistake we made was in never having planned to fall in love"
I'm still in love with you. What should I do?

He replied:
I'm doing all right :)
You should move on dear.
"Distance must come between love"

She kept sending him postcards from most of the places she travelled to. He kept replying whenever he could. One day she stopped. He wondered why, and started to send her postcards more and more often. But she never replied. A total of 125 postcards were sent between them. He decided to find her. When he did, she said: There's no distance. And now you know you're in love.

To Zayit

I'm awake,
the first thing I see
is the white ceiling above me
cracking and ready to crash me
down
down
and down.

I can't remember when exactly. It happened in such a smooth way. I could barely have noticed until I saw myself picturing us together, more and more often, everyday. By then I realized I felt something. Strong. For you.

Why? Why you? Was it the way you laughed? Or how you made me laugh at your witty outbreaks? The difference or the sum of it did matter a lot to me. It was helplessly annoying to decipher the reason behind.

It could have been the way you made us feel comfortable with each other. I didn't have to pretend whom I wasn't. And you didn't have to wear any make up or act like a complete doll at my presence. You were special because you could be stupidly silly making it unbelievable for a woman your age acting like a moron every once in a while. But at times you were too mature and responsible, talking and questioning about certain things most people don't. Yes, it hurt talking to you, but in a funny way. And that made me constantly smile because you were just like that. Easy to talk to. Pleasant to deal with. Even though you never missed a chance to show your sarcasm.

Silence. Your mind and heart could easily be absent. You allow yourself to shut up and be a total boredom when you are distracted, shy or simply unwilling to pronounce anything. Different from others, indifferent from what they made up about you. I was addicted. Addicted. Addicted to you.

My addiction never faded away. I was and still am an addict. Who said I wanted to be treated?

But I still don't know what you wanted from me. I tried to see beneath your smile and your naive looks. But nothing. I couldn't read. I was too into you or you were too good preventing people from reading you, only the things you didn't mind them to know. Yes, you were unfair. You made people tell you everything, yet you tell them things you think aren't that important but driving them to think you'd told some sort of secret, only the closest and intimate ones would have the luck to share with you. You did it so well. But the things you told me were not necessarily told to anyone else. See how tricky you were?

And now what? This whole thing is boring. Tiring. Ridiculous. And unimportant now. Is it really?

Now I'm telling you it's not the first heart that you break and you won't be the last beautiful girl. But I can't help it. So just talk to me again if you are out there. Please.

Love Is Very Simple

I'm listening to it. To the song we didn't speak the language of, but still understood the lyrics. How strange was it... 2 days before my departure I wrote at the back of a polaroid picture we took - when can we begin to value not only what is disclosed through words... - and I hung it on your wall full of other pictures. 6 days later when I was tidying up my stuff I found a funny picture of us, and at the back it said - when it comes, we begin to recognize the myriad other ways we can express our love for others. Yes, I'm still listening to it. Love is, indeed, very simple.

Surprised

This makes me feel really good after realizing how I never received anything like that before until an hour ago. Not the way as I've imagined it to be, but it came out... very pleasing and funny at the same time. Life's so unpredictable.

How gigantic... :)

Inside A Bubble

I don't know what is going on. I feel like I have no hold of myself, my thoughts and my actions. The world seems so confusing and promising that I no longer know if this is real or mere fantasy. No. I'm lying. This place where I'm living doesn't promise me anything but neither is it confusing. My actions, thoughts and myself are well controlled. No, again, it's not true. Let me put it this way: my actions are not controlled because my thoughts are often too complex for such a simple minded self to understand and as a consequence, it causes misunderstandings and contradictory actions as a way of my thoughts' reaction generated by myself. I'm tired. If you're out there, tell me something I don't know just yet.

You Tell Me

So, what's the look of love?

Today

I was looking out from the window the other day. It was raining. I was thinking to myself how come silence could be so loud between two closed ones. I was trying to figure out what went wrong. What could have been done. What we didn't do. And what was left to be amended. I tried so hard to rethink every step we took from the very begining to where we ended. Details and more details. I started to write down everything. Colors, places, clothes, days, foods, time. Words. Yes, when I was about to write the first word you said to me, I stopped. I couldn't come up with anything. All I could write was the last few words you told me on the phone the other day. Yes, I can no longer remember. And whenever my head hurts when I force myself too hard to recall our past, you're always there telling me "let's start from here". Thank you.

Honesty

I am sorry.
Really sorry.

Purgatory (III)

- I'm confused.

- No you're not.

- I don't know what I want anymore.

- You are lost, not confused.

- Why can't I have everything?

- Your heart is too small for too much going on.

Purgatory (II)

- I didn't tell her anything.

- She knew it.

-How come?

- Isn't that what you wanted?

- Talk to me.

- Now that you've achieved what you wanted, you moan about it.

- I'm greedy.

- You're selfish.

- I'm gutted.

- You're losing.

- I'm lost.

- Open your eyes.

Purgatory (I)

- Should I tell?

- What's there that cannot be told?

- If I do, she will ask a thousand questions. She'll try to convince me to do the opposite of what I'm looking forward to. And she'll be disappointed.

- Isn't part of what you are looking forward to the same as what she wants?

- But if I keep my mouth shut, I'll be just like any other coward.

- Who isn't?

- If I tell her half of the truth and keep the rest absent, I'll have to come up with several excuses.

- Isn't that just another smoother way of lying, not telling the other what you're supposed to?

- What should I do? What goes around comes around...

- Everybody lies. You're what you determine to be the truth. You're what you make up as part of the truth. And you're everything you decide to keep away from the truth. Let me remind you: you only told her part of the truth.

Spectator

Listen











listen,
we were both on the same spot
you travelled a bit faster
a bit further,
I was still behind you
chasing for a clue
to make me closer to you.
storms after storms
there were rainbows,
we both smiled and cried
thoughout the flashing time.
I followed you whenever I was needed
you handed me your hand when I was desperate,
happiness was in the air.
how about now?
things have changed.
am I walking too fast,
forgetting to rest and the past?
or is it you stopping too often
ignoring everyone?
we barely look at
and see
each other,
the shape of your hands?
I can't even remember...
when did we stop saying 'you are my lover'?
I'm trying to sustain my feelings
not wanting to hurt or be hurt
and here you are
leaving me alone with all your problems
blaming me for what I haven't done
caused
or felt.
listen,
I can't take this anymore
I've got a path to walk on
a sky to touch
a heart to love and be loved,
I don't want to be alone in my own home
or talk to a person who is no longer listening to my words.
my heart is crying out for help
just a tiny moment,
it got to be listened
please
only a slice of your time,
where are you?
maybe you are feeling the same,
you might think I'm going too far away,
without sense of shame,
spreading my wings too early
driving you too moody,
maybe...
we are lost in a crossroad,
can't you see?
let's try to make it work
we need patience
and passion
once again...
just listen
to what's been here
for so long inside
my mind
listen...

I was going through some of my old written stuffs and I found "Listen". It was written about 3 years ago when I was having a very rough time in my then relationship. I can still taste the bitterness and frustration I felt back then. And it's funny how a strange tingling feeling is growing inside me right now when I read it. But it no longer hurts.

Shit

She brought me home. Cut me half.
He took my other half and cut it into pieces.
I wanted to be scared. But I didn't have enough time.
They were happy enjoying part of my juicy flesh.
She then sliced the rest of me with no mercy.
He came and devorated every single part of me.
I was satisfied because I was made to be eaten.
They were merely doing what they were supposed to.

And the world keeps spinning around while my seeds are left on the floor. Yes. Today I'm a watermelon. Nothing is making any sense anymore.

But I Can't

It's funny how I longed for simplicity, yet the harder I tried, the more complex my life became. "Didn't I tell you?", you said. You said it so loud that I couldn't hear back then. It's not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't hear you. Blame my reckless side. Blame me for everything. Blame me. "Why can't you see things I see?" you asked. I saw but I didn't quite observe them. I didn't understand them. I didn't take them seriously. I just didn't feel them the way you did. You left without saying a word. Or did you? If so, that little note must had been your last goodbye. "Let me go so I can let you go. I love you. But I can't anymore.", that's what you wrote. "But I Can't"... I don't blame you. I never did. Looking at those words make me realize how suffocated we were of each other. You couldn't spell word by word how you wanted me to love you. You were hoping that I could learn it by myself. I did. Just not the way you hoped for. And now that I realize what you realized, it makes me understand how you felt when you told yourself "But I can't".

The Story

People ask me why. Why? Why not, that's all I say. They find it surprising how such a guy like me can let things the way they are. Why can't I? Because you're not supposed to! What makes you think I'm not supposed to? And so they all sit down quietly and anxiously, focusing on my lips waiting for me to start: my story. I don't like nor dislike the attention. Everybody needs a bit of that, the sense of importance sometimes. Doesn't matter how long it lasts... It might last a lifetime, or as short as a sparkle. Either way, we don't reject the attention. My story. I don't know where to start. Maybe I should ignore the sequences and just say whatever comes up to my mind. I remember the hottest day back then. People could barely spend 10 minutes without having an ice-cream. And guess what, I only had one of those old and not well functioning fans at home. I was always sweating like a pig, that was the way she used to describe me: PIG. There she was trying on her new lingerie in my room. She couldn't have picked a better day to do so... She was gorgeous. Too pretty. There were times when I thought I was holding a Barbie's hand... grabbing her plastic boobs. Her waist was tiny. Her butt juicy. Her legs long and silky. Man, I looked like a a cockroach next to such beauty! It was like Beauty & The Beast version 2005. And the way she made me feel like a complete idiot next to her didn't help much. Let's be honest, every man next to her wouldn't be able to think with brains. And I was always the idiot next to her. She would humilliate me in front of everybody, and then give me a kiss to compensate the hurt she caused me. I didn't mind at all. At the end of the day I get loads of kisses and more... How could I complain? I'm not really an idiot. So she was trying her lingerie when she suddenly said "Let's get married, don't ask me why." I didn't ask why. All I said was OK. And so we went. The next day after sweats and moans, she turned to me and said "I'm bored. I need to get out of this place. No questions, ok?". No questions?! What the fuck was going through her mind?! No questions... But back then, I did what she told me: I didn't ask anything. I let her go. And off she went to Cuba. Cuba, for fuck sake... I didn't miss her while she was away. I was too busy to think about her. Or maybe she was too 'inside' me that I couldn't see her as another person, someone I could miss. You don't miss your own brain, heart, or liver, right? And yes, she was like that to me. She was part of me. Everything but not my heart.

Once Upon A Time

I wanted so much to fly. To say bye and stay high.

You caught me once. I was tammed. You let me go. I was free again.

Somehow we crossed the ocean together. I was no longer across the sea.

You held me tight, I couldn't breathe. You kissed me harder. I couldn't feel.

We didn't belong to each other. How could we? We were never supposed to.

You wondered why. I said bye. You gave up on us. And I asked why.

I must have been so high......


Yes I was blind, wasn't I?