December 29, 2010

An Image Of It

You see a picture of a car in it.
A really nice car.
But I tell you that's not a car.
You find it contradictory.
Still I keep telling you in a very assertive way that that's not a car.
You find me annoying and ridiculous.
At the end you say "you just don't know how to satisfy people emotionally".
All I can say is - try to get into that car then, you can't 'cause that's not a car, but an image of it.
You turn to me and hug me closely to your chest.
But I find it suffocating because I'm just too emotionally satisfied with you.
You say "is this true love or just an image of it then?".
I turn my back to you and wave goodbye with tears on my face.

December 23, 2010

Apartment 1.4

When I opened the door and saw you turning around to see who it was, all I wanted to say was "take my love and wear it, don't you ever take it off"... But before I had time to do so, your lips were already touching mine with such a strength that only God, if there was any, could separate us with His mighty powers.

November 23, 2010

455 Heartbeats Of Possessiveness

There are times
when part of your past
your present
triggers me
those are the times
when I realize
how jealous and possessive
I can be
feelings that I've never
noticed myself to have
towards anyone else
before,
those are the times
when I know
this is it
this is the man
the right guy
who's been able
to awake all these
disturbing senses
in me
driving me extremely
annoying
possessive
jealous
and ridiculous
when I know
she and she and another she
had
or trying to have
whatever something
with you,
I'm sorry
but should I apologize?
why should I?
no, I shouldn't
'cause this is me
this is how I am
when I'm sure
I want
I need
I must be with
you
when I know
I'm the right one for you
the only
you must be with
need
and want
so please,
bear with
my stubbornness
my childishness
my possessiveness
because
you are
my man
and mine only.

November 19, 2010

Looking For The Moon In The Morning















I called you because I needed to hear your voice. Not because I had something to tell you. You once said "it's not about what you do or say, what matters, at times, it's the things that you were supposed to do and say but you just don't do it! that's what matters the most!"... Yea, that's what matters the most... I miss you. I miss you so much... I almost thought I saw you in the lift today, until I saw his face and realized there was this huge disappointment dropped on me. You weren't there. Once again, I was in a crowded place feeling the loneliest person in the world only because you weren't next to me.

And here I am, repeating the same mistake by not saying out loud what's inside me, what is supposed to be said. I guess that's the reason why we are apart until the day when I can finally tell you what you've been waiting for so long.

November 18, 2010

R.I.P.

His wife is gone. He told us they were all prepared for the worst after all these years of pain. Still his eyes were swollen because of the many tears he left the other night. They'd been together for more than 50 years, it'd been a long run for them. Seeing the love of his life leaving must had been really painful and desperate, which only he can describe if words can really portrait the hurt. He shed some tears while giving us a candy, which is a tradition when people pass away. He tried hard not to show a tiny chunk of his weakness, but it was obvious that it was too painful to retain too much hurt in his heart.

Cars are racing out there because of the annual Grand Prix, but the silence here in the office is louder than the noise they make...

November 10, 2010

Love(s)

I'm not really sure if this is love. Well, at least not anymore. Call me selfish. Call me whatever you want for coming up with such a conclusion without asking for your opinion. There's no one else to blame, except myself. I thought everything was beautiful. Everything was unique. Too different from the previous ones. But not really. They all end up to be the same thing. The same boring cycle of falling in love and then.. out of love.

October 25, 2010

Letters

I woke up and you weren't next to me. All I could see was an empty pillow with only a few of your hair laying on it. I pulled your pillow and the duvet close to me so I could inhale your smell. That smell was so you. Only you have it. I felt like shit knowing that you were once there, but there was no way I could see you, hold you, kiss you in that precise moment. I missed you then. I missed you like hell. I missed you like I never missed anyone else.

When I was wandering around with my thoughts, I remembered the letters I wrote to you but never had the courage to send them because they just weren't good enough... Because you deserve so much more...
















23
rd of September, 2010

The nights are becoming longer which means it's taking me longer to fall asleep. There could be a million reasons why I can't just close my eyes and sleep like any other creature. But none of them beats the fact that it's because of you. Because you aren't next to me. Not that you make me fall asleep. Is the sense that the person I care and love the most is actually next to me. Right next to me so I can look at him and feel the safest, the luckiest person in the world... Is the sense that whenever I have nightmares I can feel your arms wrapped tightly around me, making me able to fall asleep again... Is the sense that in case I suddenly wake up, I can look at your face and kiss your lips without you knowing... And I crave for all that... I miss you... I miss spending every day and night with you here at 395... Come back home please.


23rd of October, 2010

Another month's gone. Time passes by in such a slow motion. I need you here. I need you. My head is hurting and I'm really close to explode... You're my drug... The only remedy to keep me alive... Yes, you've got a tremendous responsibility on your shoulders... And I'm tied to you now... So please, keep drugging me just like the past year and 2 months...


I don't need to write you letters anymore... Simply because you deserve to hear them when your eyes cross with mine.

October 18, 2010

:)




"The real act of marriage takes place in the heart... It's a choice you make – not just on your wedding day, but over and over again – and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.", by Barbara De Angelis.

October 11, 2010

Monday Morning












This place is suffocating
I can't find my way out
everything is so strange
to me
people walking
passing me by
with worrying looks on their faces
they make me curious
and I wonder why
why do they frown so much
and smile so little
but nobody answers
no one dares to answer
simple
because this is life
someone says
someone finally tells me something
everyone is so busy
with their own lives
they barely have time for others
it's money
money and more money
and so
people go on forgetting
the real meaning of life
what is it anyway?
it's probably
working hard
earning a lot
and that's it...
and here I am
lost in the middle of nowhere
while a kid in front of me smiles
with my relieved face reflected
in his eyes.

September 03, 2010

Alert

It's about time you wake up. Hurting people doesn't make you feel any cuter. And when you constantly do so to those around you, those who love you, it turns you into something indescribably annoying. Wake up. Wake up now before it's too late. You're not having a cold. You're not having a massive digestive disorder. You are having a very spoiled, reckless and ridiculous behaviour which is worse than any diseases out there. Wake up...

Yea... I think it's really time for me to wake up...

August 23, 2010

365 days

"I say... I say... I want us to be together..." and so the song keeps playing till I can't no longer let it in.












I have no idea why I'm missing you this much even though we'd just had lunch. Perhaps the sandwich I had didn't make me full enough. Or perhaps, I'm just too... too into you. If I could, I would love to in filter myself to every single visible pore of yours, so I could stay with you 24 x 7. But let's stop thinking the impossible, and aim for something more viable which is: to stick myself next to you, just like koalas do when they hug a tree from sunrise till they have pins and needles, and ignore everything around me except the notion of your breath still blowing my ears. The whole mechanism of thinking of you at night wishing tomorrow could come easier and faster, seeing you in the afternoon holding your arm and refusing to let you go, and then longing for you again during the evening and dreaming of you in my ridiculously sweet yet wild dreams is driving me mental... Maybe I'm exaggerating. Mental is not the right word here... Let me put it this way: all this is driving me close to a certain level of neediness impossible to be surpassed. And all this neediness growing inside this fragile body of mine is all due to one thing: Love. Yes, I'm so in love with you that I got to see you everyday. I'm so in love with you that I have to breathe your unique smell everyday. I'm so in love with you that whenever I see you smile I smile as well even though I just stepped on something really brownish, sticky and smelly. Believe or not, you've become my life. If this is freaking you out, well, all I can say is: you just have to deal with it, because deep down you're feeling the same mechanism of love, pumping your heart and coloring your days. So come on, just admit it.

There are 365 days in a year, and you've successfully managed to go through such a tough metamorphosis: from a mere human being into someone else's most precious and beautiful other half... Let me be precise: my other half. So thank you, my love.

August 20, 2010

His Past Or Theirs?












She wonders why
Why she still cares
Cares about his past
His past that is long gone
Gone far away
Away? Is it so?

He thinks there's no need
No need for more questions
Questions that won't solve past issues
Issues that is none of her business

She secretly agrees
Agrees with him but
But her heart is telling her there must be
Must be something else, something hidden
Something hidden that he doesn't want her to know
To know a part of him she didn't know before

He finds all these a waste of time
Time that should be cherished and not
And not be dwelled in history
History that is no longer the present
The present that is far more important than the past

She says: for me to give all my love to you, I need to, and I must know everything about your past.
He says: then maybe you shouldn't love the present me... there is only one Me... and it's nowhere but here.

August 06, 2010

Words

It was when you said "all the time". It was in that precise moment. It was right there when I felt my face getting wet. I just found out that whenever you said you were happy next to me, I was being moody with you. Whenever I said I loved you, I was being moody with you. Whenever you hold me tight and looked into my eyes saying how in love you were with me, I was in a mood with you. And it was when I kissed your lips and hold your arm very tenderly, I was in a mood with you. I'm starting to love these words: all the time.

July 30, 2010

Life In Pause

The door was closed and so you left. You left in such a hurry, you didn't have time... Not even a second to say goodbye to me. And I waited for you, making a fool out of myself until I couldn't bear anymore. Until I got tired of the hours wasted next to the door. Waiting for someone who would never come back again. You were gone.... You went too far away... I can't even remember how we started the argument. What and whom it was about. I just remember you telling me you couldn't take it anymore, that I played with fire... with you. And I slapped your face in that very precise moment. Not because of what you said wasn't truthful, but because of how strong you said it. It seemed to me that you had rehearsed all those words that you had kept in your heart for centuries, and you had just decided to show your talent... You got smacked because of that. Because you didn't speak up earlier what you felt. For taking all this to a point with no turning back. And that was how you left our home. Couldn't you say how you hated being with me before you left?! Couldn't you at least criticize me in front of my face that I was a pain in the ass?! You had to leave me. And you had to do it in such a hurry... We had problems. Everybody does and argues about everything... Yes, I was a control freak and spent more time in my life than yours. But didn't we have our lives crossed with each other? If so, why did we have to separate our lives, what's mine and yours? Weren't you happy for me, for my achievements? Or am I the one who has been confusing all this? I don't know about anything anymore... I don't feel like telling stories. Because the story of my life is paused... And I don't know when will I be able to find someone who will listen and have the energy to be part of it... I miss you. I miss those ridiculous arguments and your silliness... Come back. I promise I'll have more time to listen to you even when you say something I don't like at all... Come back... Come home... yea?

July 23, 2010

Airline Mileage

Airline mileage: the distance in miles between two terminals in a network.

- Sir, congratulations! You're our first passenger achieving 2200 miles! And in order to thank you for your constant support, we're offering you our premier superior deluxe service! You're welcomed to share this with your beloved one and earn even more miles together!

A curious passenger jumps in and says: "congratulations! I wish I could taste such prize with my husband...too bad he's always busy... so, how many miles have you made with your woman then?".

330 miles... And right in that exact moment, all he could think of was going back home as soon as possible, and tell her: let's make more miles together, regardless of where we might go, how we might look... as long as our hands are still holding on each other...

June 23, 2010

The Light Of My Day












The alarm is on at 10 o’clock in the morning. I open my eyes for a moment and think to myself if I should sleep for a bit longer. But I can’t. Because I don’t feel like it. Because I just can’t.I wake up and look in the mirror. I can’t see myself. I don’t want to look at myself. And so I’m off to have a shower and stay there for half an hour dreaming with my eyes wide open what has already been dreamed yesterday. I get dressed in a hurry not knowing the reason behind all this madness. And I leave the house. I look in the sky and see stars. Invisible and sleepy stars. I hang around in the narrow streets and think of my shopping list. I want everything. Why not? There’s no reason why I can’t have what I want. Or maybe there is, but it’s me who doesn’t want to accept it. I want nothing... People pass me by. They all have lively eyes. All filled with hope for being alive for one more day. Except me. I’m the only one with despair in mine. I don’t know where to go. Because I’m alone. I’m so lost in my own home. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have the slightest idea of what I’m saying either as nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing is worth of my time to look at when you're not around. Simply because nothing compares to you. To your unconditional love you’ve got for me. I need you. I need you to wake me up everyday with your sweet kisses... exclusively for me. And only so I have the notion of where to go, what I want.

June 10, 2010

The Sound Of Nature

It's raining heavily
and here I am
trying to write something
that's worth a moment
of yours to read it
and each time
I see those lightnings,
images come to my mind
blurry at first...
someone once told me
"thunders awake thoughts and memories"
and to that, I replied
"well, only the unwanted, unpleasant ones"
and after saying that
he smiled and didn't say anything further
I thought I was right
until now
it's when I hear the thunders
those sweet images come up to me
every single bit and taste of those
vivid experiences comes to life
so yes he was right,
thunders really awake thoughts and memories
but not just the unwanted, unplesant ones.

June 04, 2010

Her Moment Of Truthfulness

From the very moment they kissed, she knew he was the one. The one who would never let her out again. The one who would never give her back herself. The one and only one. They got married a few years later and had a kid. Everything seemed perfect like one of those family portraits most people have in their houses, with perfect shining smiles from everyone, except from every heart. There's always something hidden behind those smiley faces. And perhaps, that's the beauty of it.

He started to get home late. Excuses were more and more frequent. And so were the lies told to her. She no longer slept with arms wrapped around her waist. The bed was cold and too big. His heart was further away from her, even though they both pretended nothing was wrong, nothing was completely wrong. Because even a stopped clock is right twice a day. And so she kept on walking holding her man's hand but not feeling his skin. It was too strange to her already. His eyes, his lips, his face were no longer the same. She even thought it could had been her who changed. Maybe she didn't give much attention to the family. Didn't consider enough her husband and daughter. Didn't satisfy him enough in many aspects.

Maybe it was really time to make up for what was lost, she thought. But how? Well, by agreeing with most of the things he said. By caring more his feelings and do whatever he requested, forgetting her own ones. By putting her man first. And that means forgetting, once again, herself. She tried and tried but didn't succeed. He became even more reluctant to her. Tried even harder to stay away from her, beautifying each escape with different excuses. She told herself to be patient. To wait and see. Afterall, good things never come easy, she thought. Still nothing.

Until one day, when she was at the supermarket deciding which peanut butter he would like this time, she saw him standing there. All she could see was her man's fingers embracing someone else's in the exact way a few years ago she experienced herself. He looked shocked but didn't show a slight hint of worriness. And that was it. She payed and left the place. Was very angry. Unbelievably mad. Worst of all, a very bitter feeling. But then, as time went by, she was relieved. She was starting to feel herself back into that body. Her soul that was gone long ago.

Now, I don't have to carry any guilty feeling of being a bad wife. Now I've all the time for myself and my little princess. And now I no longer need to buy peanut butter because I never really liked it in the first place.

May 23, 2010

Sing Me A Song

I pop in to this shop
cd's are everywhere
people are talking
songs are playing
I wonder around
not sure what I'm looking for
until I hear someone singing
and out of a sudden
there ain't no more album covers
nobody else
and no more words
except the ones
coming out from his lips
and here I am
at the 9th avenue
thinking to myself:
yes, this is the song, this is the perfect song.

May 19, 2010

The Problem Of...












Misunderstandings lead to arguments.
Explanations are needed but only if they are done rightly.
Otherwise assumptions are brought up and so are expectations.
Which will get to each other's nerves and the need for the always-unwelcome frustration and unreasonable attitude.
And at the end will only lead to more arguments as the consequence of such a world full of complicated words and emotions.

No more words. No more words. No more words. Keep them to yourself. And let them rest.

May 18, 2010

Take A Breath, Relax Your Brain And Forget Your Heart

It's suffocating. Unbearably acceptable. The more time we spend together, the more I want to stick to you forever. And this is too much, I'm telling you. The fear of losing you one day is really kicking in, making me act like a control freak, monitoring every step you take. Having my eyes on you most of the time only to know exactly what you do and what kind of friends you've got around. The paranoia of you loving me less because of my compulsively possessive behaviour and never ending talks is growing. The fact that I keep suppressing your temper is not helping either. What is going on?... I guess... I'm just too scared of you running away from me... And perhaps, I'm really holding you too tight...

May 14, 2010

A Ride

People are moving fast with their faces distorted. Cars chasing each other when traffic lights are controlling the pace. Everything seems to be moving pretty quick while I'm in the car. Someone once told me "when feelings are gone, they are gone and that's the way it is". Is it? So how come those tingling feelings get to come back again? They don't stay for long though. But a few seconds are enough for you to taste a bit of that which was once gone. Or supposedly gone. Strange. We are really strange creatures. Feelings are there no matter what. The thing is you only rewrite feelings on those you thought they were gone. They never vanish. That is why we have memories, and each episode teaches you something.

April 30, 2010

Contradiction

It's funny how human beings can be so contradictory. Every single one of us. We're in such a hurry to grow up, and then we long for our lost childhood. We tell people not to do this and that but then slap ourselves back for doing what we told others not to. We make ourselves ill earning money, and then spend all the money on getting well again. We think and worry so much about the future that we neglect the present, and therefore, experience neither the present nor the future. We live as if we were never going to die, and die as if we had never lived.

April 27, 2010

Grab It

This place is full of uncertainties, unfairness and disgust. You wonder why is it so hard to have things your way, when you most need them to. Questions and more frustrations invade your brain. And for the 548th time you let this big wave of pessimism embrace yourself. You feel like you are pushed to a corner asking why other people have better luck and choices than you. Why? Why not, you hear someone asks. It seems like the world keeps spinning around, not caring about you, about your little wonders and queries. It ignores you. You wonder if it's because the world is too busy to counsel everyone. Or because the world doesn't wait for you to wake up and start figuring out what you really want. Or perhaps, it merely needs you to understand how everyone leads a different life and how grateful you should be with yours. Master your own path.

April 23, 2010

The 8th Night

Contemplating the fireworks with you was amazing. Watching those sparkling colorful lights dancing in the dark, for almost 15 minutes, made me realize how certain beautiful things were brief... but how one unpredictable sweet kiss was the begining of a path for a lifetime together.

March 25, 2010

Sleepless Nights












I try not to think about it,
about anything.
I try really hard to forget
about everything.
So I force my mind to be blank
and stay it that way,
but I fail.
I pretend I'm relaxed
and just let go of my mind
to think whatever it wants to.
But it gets stuck and
turns out to be worse than before.
I open my eyes and
close them again.
Everything is so dark yet
I'm able to look around me.
I close them and
I can hear my own breathing.
It's loud,
so loud under the cold silence.
And now,
I am tense.
My heartbeat is intensifying.
I can't.
I can't...
I can't sleep.

March 23, 2010

Beauty Among The Rushing Time

Time runs. Time flies. Time disappears. And when it does it gives you a horrible feeling that you're losing control over a million things. Time. Something so precious yet there's no way to hold it but to live by it. Yes, that's time in my eyes. It's strange how everything moves in such a fast pace, how they make me feel we've been together for a rather long time even though we haven't. You're simple, subtle and charming in a very unique way. And whenever I look at you, I wonder how come I've such a beautiful creature next to me everyday. Each day reminds me of you... of how you complete my life. I'm pretty sure I've said it to you before, but I guess it's never too much or too repetitive when you really mean it. And yes, I mean it. So please, keep lighting up my days, all 7 days of a week.

March 10, 2010

Simply SMILE











It's amazing how simple things can light up somebody's day. Little gestures that might not necessarily mean anything to others (but who cares) can have such an impact in one's life.

Everything chaotic that was running and disturbing my mind for the past few days have vanished. All of that have gone. Thanks to a very simple gesture with the most powerful ingredient in it: Love. Thank you Love :)

March 09, 2010

Lost

I see nothing but your reflection. I wonder why. People are calling me out there. Should I go? Should I step out from this cage? I don't know... Tell me what do I know about all this... Nothing, nothing at all. And I'm just sitting here, looking in the mirror not sure if this is me or you I'm looking through. It feels like I'm done... I really don't belong to this hectic world. But the most scary thing is: I'm living in my own chaotic and rebellious world. Get me out... drag me out of here...

February 23, 2010

Beyond Boundaries
















I don't mind waking up early in the morning
while my body is still unwilling
to separate itself from the comfy linen and duvet
(only to get you breakfast)

I don't care how many miles
I've got to walk in heels
when my legs are already numb and not mine anymore
(only to enjoy shopping and walking around with you)

I don't mind getting off work
sharp on time forgetting how much
paper work I'll have to deal with the next morning
(only to pick you up from work on time and give you a big kiss after a long day)

I don't care how sleepy I get at night
ignoring the need of my beauty sleep
and still talking on the phone or be out there in the woods somewhere
(only to listen to your voice and spend more time with you which is never enough)

I don't mind... as long as I can hold your arm really tight while you give me the warmest, happiest and sweetest smile of all...

February 09, 2010

Compatibility vs The One

- We are very happy right now...

- So, is she "the one" then?

- Well... the one or not the one doesn't really matter... I guess, if you had at least lived once in what we call "a platonic love", a "true love with the supposed the one", then that's already a big achievement in your life... there are people living together for more than 20 years without knowing what "true love" or "the one" means... so yea, if you've experienced it once, that's already a very lucky thing...

- Mmm...

- I love her, I'm very happy with her, she's a great person... of course there are times when we can get pretty moody and bored with each other, but we are happy... we both have experienced really intense relationships before... violent ones... when we both loved someone so much we ended up suffocating each other... huge arguments, things flying at home... now it's like we've finally found each other with similar background and we don't need any of those things anymore... it's more like whether you can see yourself living with this person for the next 10 years or not. And I can see myself with her... it's an ongoing process... not just the present...

- Yea...

- It's like: would you choose to live with your "the one" who's not really compatible with you, or with "the most compatible one" when you can see your life with him/her for a really long time?

- But to me the one is the most compatible one, otherwise he wouldn't be the one... It's because he must be different and unique in such a way that makes me see and really feel he's the one or my truest love...

- Oh well...

- Where's the point in separating "the one" from "the most compatible one" then?

February 04, 2010

He Went To Mars And Never Got Back












As if I didn't know what harm it could have caused, how dangerous it was. I knew what would happen but I insisted on it without taking your advice. We were rebellions and reckless. And I wasn't a rebel without a cause. And maybe that's why we are how we are right now.

I wanted to move on. And I did. But from time to time, the image of you still appears in my head while I'm busy kissing someone else. I don't love you anymore but I can't erase you from my mind. Perhaps you're still the one closest to what I call the imperfect-flawless-half. How unfair and disrespectful is this to the one I've just kissed?... I can picture you saying "unfair and disrespectful?! you should be the last person to mention those two words!". Yes, you're right.

I do miss you a lot. And I'm extremely upset by the fact that you're ignoring me, just like that. As if I'm not even a friend worth one of your effortless "hi, how's everything?". If so, say it to my face. And I'll be gone, forever out of your life. Am I not out already? Or are you playing one of your little games with me? You just don't say it, do you. Because you're tired of me, of my childishness, and you think you're just too good for me to handle. But at the same time you don't want to lose me. How contradictory is that? Or am I just too good in imagining things, being helplessly unrealistic and idyllic with my so called life? Maybe. But if that's not the case, then please, just admit it, just tell me you don't want to lose me. But have you ever had me? If not, how can you ever lose me?

Well, I'm waving my white flag now...

January 23, 2010

Waking Up At 1:50

I opened my eyes... and it was still 1:50.

This dream I had was abysmally unpleasant. It was such a foggy day... I was in a crowded place but my eyes couldn't see clearly... All they could give me was blurry images of people coming closer and closer to me without a clear definition of their faces. And so my hands were trying hard to grab whatever they touched just so I could lead my way on. It was very noisy. Strange words were spoken and whispered next to my ears, and I couldn't understand a thing. I tried really hard to decipher every single whisper, but nothing came up. It was as if I was in a foreign country and all those people were trying to tell me something but I just couldn't connect with them. An outsider from wherever I came from. I didn't know what was going on around. Misty faces, colors and objects were passing by in a hurry and I was standing in the middle of nowhere asking for help. Please help me. Where am I? What is this? Can anyone hear me? No. No one stopped. My heart was gradually beating faster and faster and my hands were so sweaty that got me awfully scared. Desperate. And strangely excited in a way. I was so frustrated at the same time because I wanted to get out of that place, I wanted to run and shout. But I couldn't. All I could think of was you. Please grab my hand and take me out of here. Please, only you can drive me away from this madness. Please.

And so I woke up while you were next to me holding me really tight and saying "don't be scared baby, I'm here, I'm always here for you... don't be scared". Yes, only you.

January 13, 2010

Blank
















I can't write.