Wednesday

I woke up several times in the middle of the night. My head was spinning and my body was sweating. No, I didn't have any nightmares, 'cause what is happening in my real life is already one. I turned to him, he was sort of sleeping. My arm reached his side and was quickly pushed away. I tried again feeling him, but he didn't allow it and told me to fuck off. I pulled my arm back to my chest, staring at his back. I couldn't recognise that person. It was like as I was on the same bed with a stranger who is angry for having to share the same bed with me. It was at that precise moment, I noticed, it was quite over.

I've been reminiscing the past. Our past. Our various notes, postcards, written to each other. Those words have become vague, empty. How hard is it to write "I love you, you are my everything". What's hard is to making those words alive. Is to awake them and make them real. Not many people can do that so far. And people just jump in to the ocean of words, embracing them hoping they mean what they are supposed to mean.

What should I do from now on? Focus. To focus. On what? On my girl. On my job. Focus on my girl because she's my hope. And I'm her hope. I must not let her down. She's my life. Focus on my job because I have given up the perfect illusive idea of relying on someone. I earn my own money, spend what I can.

An old friend called. I thought she was dead long ago. She asked how things were, and I very quickly and honestly told her my situation. She laughed. Very hard. So hard it hurt my ears. Then she said "you know what? I've always been jealous of you. You always had everything, everyone. But right now I'm just really happy that you are upset with your marriage! I'm not judging who is wrong or shits like that. All I'm saying is: you failed! And is the first time ever I feel like winning!". I was shocked. I just didn't expect her to say that. But deep down I was very happy for her current life. She's finally found the right person to be with, her kid is growing healthily and happily, she's made to the top 5 fashion designer in Sweden. At the end I simply said "I'm really happy for you. You deserve everything you have now. As for me, I hope I can just be very happy and healthy with my girl, the rest doesn't matter anymore. Good to hear from you, I wish you all the best!". And we hung up. Seriously, I never thought, for one second, she was jealous of me. I never thought such a close friend was so unhappy of what I had then. People are complicated creatures. If they weren't they wouldn't be called people, I guess.