Fireworks

We had an argument and you said you were too tired. I can't remember why and what we were arguing on about. Whatever it was, tiny or serious, you walked out from my car. I immediately ran after you and grabbed your hand, wondering if it had to be the way it was. You didn't look into my eyes. You just refused to open yourself and let me read your thoughts and whatever it was concerning you. And I was desperate to do so, begging you to tell me anything that came to your mind. We stood there when my eyes were searching for yours, people were passing by, cars were horning and traffic lights were switching from red to green. You said you needed some time to figure out something and begged me to let you go. I couldn't. I insisted to talk and to solve it together, but you made it very clear to let you off for some time. And so, against my will, I had to let you go. A huge noise scared me, fireworks had started. Lots of people were contemplating them with big smiles. I was there among a big wave of people looking at your back while mine was facing the fireworks. Were they beautiful? I didn't know. To me they were just a set of sparkling colorful things playing in the dark. We were supposed to watch it together. And they were supposed to be beautiful.

Don't Deny It

Humans are weird, some say. Why? Because we spend our entire lives trying to make things easier in such complicated ways. We tend to tell ourselves we love simplicity and we long for that in every single thing we do. But we fail most of the time because we can't ditch the manipulative and calculative traits in us. We are greedy. We are little desperate insatiable beings. We are born to be complicated. We are born to think we are the elite creatures of the entire universe. We are born to be too proud of ourselves. And we are born to forget what we aren't really good at. That's sad.

Disconnected?

To be honest with you, I've no idea what we are doing. Not that I'm not trying hard enough. I just don't get it. I don't understand why do we have to make each other so miserable to prove there is still some sort of connection between us. I look into your eyes and I see myself. And I'm so tired of it. Move on, get over me, leave me alone. I don't want you because I never wanted you at the first place. Don't come and offer yourself to me, I despite that. Wake up and go to someone else, let him touch you and absorb all your beauty and imperfection.

And yes, after all said and done you went back to him. And now I realize that every time I see your face... I know... that there's a part of me that can't bear to let you go.

The Couple (III)

He is crafty, manipulative and an exaggerator. He gets what he wants and doesn't allow those things to slip through his fingers. In a very discreet way he drives me to think that he's such an insecure man, who is just too madly in love with me. He makes me aware of how much he cares about me and this relationship, exposing his weaknesses making me unable to blame him for anything. How can I? He's such a truthful and sensitive man... Don't women love that? We do. And that's the problem. He plays it well, I've to say. Good enough to make me turn a blind eye to his intentions. I do it not because he's really good at it. But because I'm willing to be cheated on. Yes, we play it well.

Life should be easy, why on earth should we complicate it? We've been together for 3 years now. Nothing much have changed. I've to admit I've got used to it, to him. And so has he. We don't really talk anymore. All we do is action. A word or a few is enough to constrain us back into the game. Enough to show our intentions. Enough to take and not much to give.

We are just two miserable cinders. That's life. That's a boring life of a couple who are too grown up for too little love pretending to play it well.

1 Minute Wonder

It stopped. And I wonder why when there's really nothing to wonder.

The Couple (II)

When I see them run, having fun all the way through, it makes me want to play with them. I haven't had a proper laugh in years. I see her standing nearby the door staring at me, waiting for me to say something. But I can't. I just can't. And I'm not going to. She comes over and kisses me. But I feel nothing. Really. Her lips are cold and it's unnerving how she acts like that trying so hard to make me love her. Well, I guess I've this abnormality called "the incapacity to love". And I'm so proud of it. She looks at me with tears in her eyes. What do you want me to do?! You knew it, so why are you trying to make me feel bad?! You can cry, I'm not going to wipe your tears. I thought you got used to this... And yes, I can see tears rolling down her pale face. I seriously don't know why she keeps doing this to herself. It doesn't affect me, it only damages her own self. She must be really dumb to still think I'll change when I see her cry. It's the 1629th time she's doing it. Some people just never learn... She finally moves her ass and leaves the room, but before she does, she gives me that look. The sort of look that says - you'll regret it. Want to know what I'm regretted of? Is that I was stupid enough choosing to be with you, that's what I regret. And I'm showing her a complete relieved happy face. Glad to see her moving. Just go and don't try that on me ever again.

You might wonder why I'm being such a complete ass to her. And to you, my reader, there's always a reason behind every action, because that's the motivation to actually put that action into action, you see what I mean? She's the most cruel woman I've ever met. She manipulates people, influences those close around her, and she doesn't waste a chance to prove to others how cool she is. She is nuts. And I hate her. You might think, all women are a bit like that, so there's really no reason to over react. Oh you haven't seen what she's capable of, just yet.

My story is simple. I grew up without having a proper dad around at home. Did quite badly at school but managed to get to university without finishing my degree. Been into a few relationships and ending up with someone I thought was perfect for me. Unemployed and ready to die. Yes, that's my story. Simple and pretty common. When I die I won't take the truth with me, I'll let the whole world know what happened and what a mental freak she was to me. I'm not going to hold the truth with me like many of us do. Why would we do that? That's so selfish. I might be a coward, but at least I know the ugly truth and am willing to share it. How many of us can do that?

I just don't want her near me when I'm ready to perish.

The Couple (I)

When I got there you were already gone. Everything looked the same except they seemed tidier and that bothered me. I walked to your room and I couldn't smell your scent anymore. It was an empty cold room with nothing resembling your presence. You just vanished the entire place, unwilling to give me one more chance to see you go. Refusing to let me breathe you for one last time. How cruel was that? You were mean. Harsh. Unreasonable. You left me in such a hurry allowing me to keep my sadness and desperation away from everybody and to die inside my already dead soul. Who were you to do that? I hated you. I hated you more than anything. You selfish filthy thing... You took away my pride, my freedom, my hunger to cry... As I was forcing myself to shed some tears out, I sat on the floor. I couldn't feel anything. I needed to go, needed to run... It was too suffocating in such a big house. And so I closed the door without looking back even though I knew you were nearby watching me. You coward.

It's been a year now since I last saw you. I wonder where you are. Some people told me you went to far east. Well, you've always wanted to travel to the other side of the world. You just didn't because I wouldn't let you. I dragged you all the way with me to places you never really wanted to stay. And that must had been quite hard on you. Was it the reason why you left? I don't know. I'm waiting for you to tell me. In case you ever do, please stay for longer before you are ready to leave me again.

Relationships are weird links. They can be so convincing and terribly reliable, promising the whole world. Yet, nothing is guaranteed. Thus, how reliable could they be? Another delusion, another deception... I'm not saying it's impossible though. It's only... too hard. I remember you told me the story of the scorpion and frog. The scorpion wanted to cross the river, but he didn't know how to swim. He saw a frog around and asked if the frog could take him on the back. The frog said no, because it knew when they arrive to the other side of the river, the scorpion would sting the frog. But the scorpion insisted he would not. The frog trusted him. At the end, he got killed, and wondered why. The scorpion said "I'm sorry, but this is my nature". Was that your nature as well? Or was I too ingenuous?

I'm just too desperate for something believable.