Beyond Boundaries

I don't mind waking up early in the morning
while my body is still unwilling
to separate itself from the comfy linen and duvet
(only to get you breakfast)

I don't care how many miles
I've got to walk in heels
when my legs are already numb and not mine anymore
(only to enjoy shopping and walking around with you)

I don't mind getting off work
sharp on time forgetting how much
paper work I'll have to deal with the next morning
(only to pick you up from work on time and give you a big kiss after a long day)

I don't care how sleepy I get at night
ignoring the need of my beauty sleep
and still talking on the phone or be out there in the woods somewhere
(only to listen to your voice and spend more time with you which is never enough)

I don't mind... as long as I can hold your arm really tight while you give me the warmest, happiest and sweetest smile of all...

Compatibility vs The One

- We are very happy right now...

- So, is she "the one" then?

- Well... the one or not the one doesn't really matter... I guess, if you had at least lived once in what we call "a platonic love", a "true love with the supposed the one", then that's already a big achievement in your life... there are people living together for more than 20 years without knowing what "true love" or "the one" means... so yea, if you've experienced it once, that's already a very lucky thing...

- Mmm...

- I love her, I'm very happy with her, she's a great person... of course there are times when we can get pretty moody and bored with each other, but we are happy... we both have experienced really intense relationships before... violent ones... when we both loved someone so much we ended up suffocating each other... huge arguments, things flying at home... now it's like we've finally found each other with similar background and we don't need any of those things anymore... it's more like whether you can see yourself living with this person for the next 10 years or not. And I can see myself with her... it's an ongoing process... not just the present...

- Yea...

- It's like: would you choose to live with your "the one" who's not really compatible with you, or with "the most compatible one" when you can see your life with him/her for a really long time?

- But to me the one is the most compatible one, otherwise he wouldn't be the one... It's because he must be different and unique in such a way that makes me see and really feel he's the one or my truest love...

- Oh well...

- Where's the point in separating "the one" from "the most compatible one" then?

He Went To Mars And Never Got Back

As if I didn't know what harm it could have caused, how dangerous it was. I knew what would happen but I insisted on it without taking your advice. We were rebellions and reckless. And I wasn't a rebel without a cause. And maybe that's why we are how we are right now.

I wanted to move on. And I did. But from time to time, the image of you still appears in my head while I'm busy kissing someone else. I don't love you anymore but I can't erase you from my mind. Perhaps you're still the one closest to what I call the imperfect-flawless-half. How unfair and disrespectful is this to the one I've just kissed?... I can picture you saying "unfair and disrespectful?! you should be the last person to mention those two words!". Yes, you're right.

I do miss you a lot. And I'm extremely upset by the fact that you're ignoring me, just like that. As if I'm not even a friend worth one of your effortless "hi, how's everything?". If so, say it to my face. And I'll be gone, forever out of your life. Am I not out already? Or are you playing one of your little games with me? You just don't say it, do you. Because you're tired of me, of my childishness, and you think you're just too good for me to handle. But at the same time you don't want to lose me. How contradictory is that? Or am I just too good in imagining things, being helplessly unrealistic and idyllic with my so called life? Maybe. But if that's not the case, then please, just admit it, just tell me you don't want to lose me. But have you ever had me? If not, how can you ever lose me?

Well, I'm waving my white flag now...

Waking Up At 1:50

I opened my eyes... and it was still 1:50.

This dream I had was abysmally unpleasant. It was such a foggy day... I was in a crowded place but my eyes couldn't see clearly... All they could give me was blurry images of people coming closer and closer to me without a clear definition of their faces. And so my hands were trying hard to grab whatever they touched just so I could lead my way on. It was very noisy. Strange words were spoken and whispered next to my ears, and I couldn't understand a thing. I tried really hard to decipher every single whisper, but nothing came up. It was as if I was in a foreign country and all those people were trying to tell me something but I just couldn't connect with them. An outsider from wherever I came from. I didn't know what was going on around. Misty faces, colors and objects were passing by in a hurry and I was standing in the middle of nowhere asking for help. Please help me. Where am I? What is this? Can anyone hear me? No. No one stopped. My heart was gradually beating faster and faster and my hands were so sweaty that got me awfully scared. Desperate. And strangely excited in a way. I was so frustrated at the same time because I wanted to get out of that place, I wanted to run and shout. But I couldn't. All I could think of was you. Please grab my hand and take me out of here. Please, only you can drive me away from this madness. Please.

And so I woke up while you were next to me holding me really tight and saying "don't be scared baby, I'm here, I'm always here for you... don't be scared". Yes, only you.

Blank

I can't write.

Morning Call

I hear it.
It's getting louder and louder.
It's time to wake up...
... And I'm awake.

The first thing that comes up to me is the smile on your face. You... The image of you standing in front of me as if I'm holding a camera ready to shoot. And every single part of me is controlled by your beautiful presence. I'm your slave, I'm yours. Yes, this is how you make me feel right in the morning when I wake up.

I'm thinking what should I do next. Shower? Breakfast? Work? Or stay in bed? Either way, I'll still be doing all these by myself. I can only imagine you next to me while I'm having a hot shower. Asking you to hand me the towel and being teased by your playful side. Having coffee and toast, getting all messy and kissed by your soft lips around mine. Off to work, in the car, reminiscing the hours we spent together while the light is green and other cars behind are cursing me. Staying in bed when the only thing I can hug is my pillow, which doesn't resemble you at all. It doesn't smell of you. It's a dead object. And it's ridiculously cold to my taste.

I'm having questions in my head. I wonder a lot of whys and hows and whens and what ifs. This is getting serious. It's evolving into a vicious cycle when one question leads to another and so on.

You're so far away now, and the fact that I can't hold you tight to me, close enough to feel your heartbeat, wears me out. I can't help it. I just don't feel right. I really dislike this feeling inside me, ready to burst. But before it does, it's killing me, slicing and squeezing my heart. It hurts so much that I just want to let myself fall, lay down in the middle of the road and cry. Cry really loud till you can hear me and come back to my side.

I can't help it. This is just too painful for me to handle. It's almost unbearable. Come back. Come back. Come back to me...

My Only Cure

It's not about how long
we've been together,
nor is it how
we've bumped to
each other's life,
ending up where we are
right now.
It's how each breath
I take
reminds me
of your smell,

even though

I can't really

distinguish if it's mine

or yours anymore,

that sweet scent
invading each corridor,
corner you pass by.
It's how
you hold my hands
with such a strength,
and the way
our fingers fit
right into each other's,
making me
never willing
to let them go.
It's when
I touch your face
looking through your eyes,
feeling your jaw line
and irresistibly
having to caress it
with my lips.
Yes,
it's how
you manage
to keep me safe
happy
loved
and grateful
throughout
these 120 days or so.
Nothing seems to be
the same anymore.
I can hardly picture
myself alone
without your presence.
I think,
I really think
I'm diseased.
And the only cure
for me
is you.
So please,
don't run
don't go
don't vanish
out of a sudden,
just be mine,
be mine forever.